With the little energy I had, I tried to swim to the surface. But without words, the Ocean was aware of my struggle and pushed me to air.
Miaka! Elizabeth! Padma!
I lay on top of the water, throwing up water and the small bits of food they’d been trying to get me to eat. No more of that.
I was close enough to the house that I could see them running. When they hit the Ocean, She solidified for them so they could run across Her back to me.
“Kahlen?” Padma cried.
“She’s breathing!” Elizabeth’s words were echoing in my ears.
Carry her back. She cannot go in My waters. She can’t breathe.
Padma sucked in a breath. “Oh, no.”
“It’s worse than I thought,” Miaka whispered.
I’d have told her I could still hear her, but it took too much work to speak.
They lifted me effortlessly, carrying me across the edge of the Pacific, taking me into the house. I recognized the heat of the shower, the comfort of clean clothes, and the tender way Padma tucked me in, but I was so exhausted, so frightened, I couldn’t even say thank-you.

They got under each of my shoulders and pulled me up, Padma walking in front of me and holding her arms out for good measure. I walked on my own, but I knew that if they hadn’t been there, I might have fallen more than once. Side by side, we marched into the Ocean, all of us crying for help.
What? I felt the swirling waves of Her worry as we floated just beneath the surface.
Something’s wrong with Kahlen, Miaka said.
In the water, they could let me go, and I floated there, the Ocean holding me like a child.
I’m so tired.
Look at her skin, Elizabeth said. She’s so pale. And she keeps sleeping. Like she needs it.
She has a fever, too, Miaka added. I was acutely aware that my temperature was off; I could feel the water around me warming from my touch....She fretted. This has never happened before. I don’t know what to do.
Maybe if she stays in You for a while, it would help, Elizabeth suggested.
What, Miaka? the Ocean asked suddenly.
Nothing. But she did look like she was hiding something.
What were you thinking?
Nothing, Miaka insisted. Flipping through ideas, it’s all nothing. I think Elizabeth is onto something. She swam up to me. We’ll come and check on you every hour until you feel like coming back to bed.
I didn’t want to say how much it bothered me that she said “back to bed” instead of “back to the house.” It was like she knew I wasn’t going to be standing again.
Okay.
They fled, off to make arrangements for their broken sister.
I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s happening.
How long have you been feeling like this? She sounded uneasy, as if She suspected something She didn’t want to say.
I squinted, trying to remember. It’s been coming on so slowly, it’s hard to say.
She snuggled me into Herself. Just rest. I’m here.
And I was so tired, I did exactly that. It was so unreal, how loved I felt. Right there, balanced with Her rigidity, Her absolute need to maintain order, I heard Her thinking of what She might sacrifice so long as She could keep me. It was such an encompassing feeling, and that alone was enough to make me sleep.

Elizabeth nodded, looking too dejected to do much more. “Can she just go back to him?” she pleaded. “He’s dying. She’s dying. They can’t have a life together, but at least they could have this.”
No, Kahlen is Mine. We’ll fix her.
“With what?” Elizabeth demanded through tears. “There’s nothing left.”
“Please,” I said, letting all the dams burst, exposing every last drop of love I had for Akinli. “You’ve seen how I feel now. I’ve shared everything . . .

I don’t want to make a big deal about this or anything, but I think it’s kind of cool how you do everything you do.”
I squinted at him.
“I mean, you use sign language, and it’s hard to communicate. But you’re into art and you can seriously cook and, for goodness’ sakes, you can even jitterbug. By the way, I told my mom, and she wants a video. Totally doesn’t believe me. But, yeah, I think it’s nice that you don’t let a little hitch in life slow you down. I admire that.”
I smiled. For a minute, I admired myself, too. He didn’t know how deep my problems ran, but he was right all the same. It was no small thing to try, to find out what you cared about in life. Even this moment, with this wonderful, temporary boy beside me, was a tiny miracle. I ought to give myself some credit.

I looked at him and the other two people whose names I’d just learned. “So . . . so this is home then?”
Akinli looked at me, perplexed, then turned to Ben and Julie.
“She said some girls left her here and told her it was home. That’s all she knows. She doesn’t even know you.” Julie wiped at her tears, trying to calm herself.
He moved his eyes back to me as quickly as he could manage. “Kahlen? You remember me, right?”
I stared into this face, searching for something familiar. I didn’t recognize the angle of his chin, the length of his fingers. I didn’t know the slope of his shoulder or the shape of his lips.
“Akinli, right?” I asked. This poor boy. I pitied him in the depths of my heart. Clearly, he’d already been going through something, and I could see the last scrap of fight he had in him dying with those words.
“Yes.”
“I don’t remember ever seeing you before in my life. I’m sorry.”
He pressed his lips together as if he was swallowing the urge to cry.
“But,” I said, “I know your voice. I know it as if it were my own.

Books were a safe place, a world apart from my own. No matter what had happened that day, that year, there was always a story in which someone overcame their darkest hour. I wasn't alone.