With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "F**k it. Cut em up."

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.