With a monologue, you can be unendingly elliptical.

You have to be delusional to be a comedian.

How many people do you know who have thrown up on the Scrambler or a carnival ride? A lot of people, is the answer.

You know the quickest way to get comedians to hate you? Do Letterman at age 24.

I think your tendency when you play yourself is to accentuate something about you that you think is the funny thing about you.

Starbucks is the last public space with chairs. It's a shower for homeless people. And it's a place you can write all day. The baristas don't glare at you. They don't even look at you.