Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!


Groucho Marx

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Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
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I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
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In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
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I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
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I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
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All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
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I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.
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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
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Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
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A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
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I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
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Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
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I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
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Humor is reason gone mad.
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
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I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
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I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
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I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
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I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
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He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
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I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
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All geniuses die young.
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I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every...
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There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
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She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
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I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
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In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and ...
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
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There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
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She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
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Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is han...
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
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I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
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I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
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I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows ...
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day ...
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Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
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Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long e...
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My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
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We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on t...
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I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
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Women should be obscene and not heard.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
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Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough
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I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure
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The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”
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Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
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My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you ...
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My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually te...
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Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
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If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price ...
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Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t...
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I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
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Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money
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Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
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A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
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Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
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Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...
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If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
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Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it...
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If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
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From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
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Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but ...
GROUCHO MARX
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm giving you 30 days to live.
GROUCHO MARX
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
GROUCHO MARX
Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed
GROUCHO MARX
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
GROUCHO MARX
And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
GROUCHO MARX
Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
GROUCHO MARX
Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
GROUCHO MARX
Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX
I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
GROUCHO MARX
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX
Blood's not thicker than money
GROUCHO MARX
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
GROUCHO MARX
The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stay...
GROUCHO MARX
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I...
GROUCHO MARX
I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
GROUCHO MARX
I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. Wh...
GROUCHO MARX
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
GROUCHO MARX
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX