When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances.

Gracie comes home from the hospital after visiting a sick friend. (George) 'Where did you get the flowers?' (Gracie) 'I went to visit Mable.' (George) 'Yeah, so?' (Gracie) 'WELL, you told me to take her flowers!'

My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old. [said when George Burns was only 64. He lived to be 100]

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances.

When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half.