What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.

I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb.

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.

There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping. You get another wife.