We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon.

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

The look Anthony shot at his sister was so comically malevolent Simon nearly laughed. He managed to restrain himself, but mostly just because he was fairly certain that any show of humor would cause Anthony's fist to lose its battle with his brain, with Simon's face emerging as the conflict's primary casualty.

One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

I have a feeling we're mooning a mean junkyard dog, all brave and laughing - until the dog's leash breaks