This is the story of a man who always made the wrong choice. He could have had either two jobs; he picked the dead end. He could have married either of two women; he picked the nag. He could have invested in either of two businesses; he picked the one that went bankrupt. Finally, he decided to abandon his old life, to change his identity and start again. He goes to the airport and finds he can get on either two flights; he chooses the plane with the engine that explodes over the Atlantic. So, he's in mid-air, in an airplane struggling to stay aloft, surrounded by panicking passengers. He goes down on his knees in prayer and begs, "St Francis, help me!" The Heavens open, and a divine light floods the cabin. An angelic voice asks, "St Francis Xavier or St Francis of Assisi?

Dave Allen - Kim Newman