There's only two people in your life you should lie to...the police and your girlfriend.

There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend.

As always, the public should not attempt to apprehend these people, but should contact the police.

People who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch.

Now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But remember, as my plastic surgeon always said: if you gotta go, go with a smile.

Because you know, down deep in my heart, when all is said and done, I still live under the illusion that basically people think of me as an up-and-coming young actor.