There is no better moment to postpone something you don't want to do other than right now.

Honesty top moment: to be a cop and give yourself a ticket for going through a red light.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, one to Los Angeles, and one to Miami.' She said, 'We can't do that!' I told her, 'You did it last week!'

I called the restaurant and I asked them if they take orders, when they said they do, I told them 'run outside naked!'

I believe there should be a better way to start each day... instead of waking up every morning.

A girl called me once and said "come over, nobody is home!" I went there and she was right, nobody was home!