There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they'll talk back to you,

If she doesn't get an Academy Award nomination, I will kill myself.

I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic region covered with ice.

[On his breakthrough 1977 album] Let's Get Small, ... There's a million people onstage and everything's moving real fast and you can't understand a word they say but it doesn't matter and you just sit there and go, 'Wow! Look at the (breasts)! I'll bet there's 57 (breasts) up there!'

Owning a cat is a lot like being an American tourist in a fancy French restaurant- you will be overcharged, you will likely by insulted, but, to you , it's worth it.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke