The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there's a man on base.


Dave Barry

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DAVE BARRY
Sir,” James asked, “what are we going to do?”
“We’re going to look for water,” said...
DAVE BARRY
Seriously? You won’t help me?”
“Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.
DAVE BARRY
If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, ...
DAVE BARRY
If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, ...
DAVE BARRY
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably...
DAVE BARRY
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you wo...
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It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This...
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Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religi...
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
DAVE BARRY
Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.
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I gotta tell you, ... It's pretty crazy when you think about taking whatever's on the other end of t...
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It was by far just a one-girl show. She led every offensive and defensive category for Bishop Kearne...
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one of South Florida's most vital natural resources, a relentlessly sane voice in a howling hurrican...
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drink beer. But that's kind of my goal pretty much wherever I go.
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I'm very pleased that we made the top four. But I feel that we could have had a stronger showing.
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I've been asked to make an announcement, ... There is a non-luxury car in the parking lot. We've bee...
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The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.
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We've actually gotten better musically over the years, ... But we've come to realize that we will ne...
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Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
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Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art...
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I find myself having these conversations where I go...“You know, the guy, in that place. The guy i...
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Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones...
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Ridley is a tea drinker.
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It's a concept I've often thought of.
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You get people from all walks of life here -- who work in domestic service.
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I believe that's one of the finest action regurgitation scenes in the history of literature, ... I'd...
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We became pretty sensitive about it. We visited Great Ormond Street Hospital when we were in England...
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What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge ham...
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I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
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Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuc...
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Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger...
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will ...
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The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable ent...
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Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant d...
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I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including:* Both of your socks sh...
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Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look...
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There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his ...
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The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winte...
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