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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


Mitch Hedberg

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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a w...
MITCH HEDBERG This is too much reality for a Friday.
AS GOOD AS IT GETS Nothing is ever as good or as bad as it appears to be.
JEFFREY FRY I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emu...
ANTHONY JESELNIK Only fools saw mistakes as a bad thing—mistakes were experience, no matter how good or bad.
SEAN R. FRAZIER But here's the thing--no matter how many possessions you have, you never feel secure. As soon as you...
KAREN KINGSTON No matter how good she does, she keeps wanting to get better and wants others to do as well as her.
DAVE BEEBE An organization, no matter how well designed, is only as good as the people who live and work in it.
DEE HOCK No matter how good they are; there isn't one member of my team that's as good as all of my team.
RICHARD 'GRIMESY' GRIMES If I stay healthy and I'm playing good tennis I have as good a chance as anybody.
GREG RUSEDSKI We want to play all 32 minutes hard. No matter what the outcome is, as long as there's a good effort...
JENIC TUMANENG This feels so good because doctors said I might not be as good as I used to be. But I'm playing the ...
ANNIE HOUGHTON Our life is a series of moments. Let them all go. Moments. All gathering towards this one.
NOW IS GOOD That's SHIT!

How do you remove it?
You just put it inside the trash, easy as that.
DEYTH BANGER There's no good reason that reliably liberal states should be electing senators as friendly to W...
ALEX PAREENE I do appreciate that the most important thing as a manager is to get good results.
STUART PEARCE Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in...
DAVID SEABURY Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in...
JOAN RIVERS I never heard Jack Nicklaus say, 'I'm a great player,' or Tiger Woods, as a matter of fa...
ARNOLD PALMER Illegal immigration can never be completely stopped, no matter how high the wall or how many patrol ...
GAIL COLLINS It's very hard, so I try and make it as engaging as it can be. But you have to face the fact that, n...
ERIC CLAPTON My motto: 'No good movie is depressing. All bad movies are depressing.'
ROGER EBERT Dating is like trying to make a meal out of leftovers. Some leftovers actually get better when they'...
LISA KLEYPAS I'm the first to admit that I can't be as good as Tolkien, and a movie can never be as good ...
RALPH BAKSHI No matter how good you think you are as a leader, my goodness, the people around you will have all k...
JIM YONG KIM I'm a good person, I hope. But I'm never as good as I want to be, never as nice as I want to...
DAVID TENNANT An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get w...
A. A. MILNE Hope for the best, be prepared for the worse. Life is shocking, but you must never appear to be shoc...
MAYA ANGELOU When you're hitting it as good as he is, and starting to putt decent, it's a hard combination especi...
ZACH JOHNSON There is no such thing as a good tax.
SIR WINSTON CHURCHILL There is no such thing as a good tax.
WINSTON CHURCHILL Life is a video game. No matter how good you get, you are always zapped in the end
SOURCE UNKNOWN The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't g...
BILL GATES I saw Tim a lot when he was in Oakland, and he's real good -- as good as they come. He's going to be...
ANDY PETTITTE It doesnt matter how good you are,if you re a champion,good will never be enough!
RAJA Trapped for days, years, centuries maybe. Dead, but not allowed to die. Alive, but as good as dead. ...
SUZANNE COLLINS The good thing about fall is that it's more of an exploratory type of thing. We'll see how some of t...
JEFF BONER No matter how good you get, there's always something further out there.
BILL WALTON To know how good you are at something requires the same skills as it does to be good at that thing.
JOHN CLEESE There is no such thing as a good comb-over
CHARLES LOW The good thing about this is there are no rules. As long as we listen to our viewers, we can try jus...
ANTHONY MARSHALL No matter how good you get you can always get better and that's the exciting part.
TIGER WOODS no matter how good you get you can always get better and that's the exciting part
TIGER WOODS No matter how good you get you can always get better, and that's the exciting part.
TIGER WOODS The good or ill hap of a good or ill life, is the good or ill choice of a good or ill wife.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN Because the thing about miracles is that they’re not answers, no matter how much we want them to b...
ROBYN SCHNEIDER No matter how good you might be in a movie, you'll never be any better. But in a play, I can be ...
KEVIN SPACEY Only fools wait, and only tools bait.
CRE There are approximately two trillion cells in the human body. You are never alone, there are always ...
DWIGHT W. HAYES There's no possibility of being witty without a little ill-nature -- the malice of a good thing is t...
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN There's no possibility of being witty without a little ill-nature; the malice of a good thing is th...
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN There's no possibility of being witty without a little ill-nature; the malice of a good thing is the...
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN We're not going to get someone hurt, no matter how good they are.
DENNY MCCROTTY Feeling good about yourself is not the same thing as doing good. Good policy is more important than ...
THEODORE DALRYMPLE I think it was a good thing that Joanie and Chachi married.
ERIN MORAN Discontent, blaming, complaining, self-pity cannot serve as a foundation for a good future, no matte...
ECKHART TOLLE In Cloud computing the difference between a dark cloud and a cloud with a silver lining, is the part...
RAJAT MOHAN No matter how senior you get in an organization, no matter how well you're perceived to be doing...
ABAGAIL JOHNSON I think about death all the time. I think that's a good thing because we're all going to die...
STEVE GLEASON Do you prefer Mitch? Or is Mitchell better?'..
.. Mitch, I say. Mitch is what my friends calle...
MITCH ALBOM We as often repent the good we have done as the ill.
WILLIAM HAZLITT She has as much basketball knowledge as anybody I've ever coached. What I try to do with her is get ...
KURT GREENE I did not know that history is like a blood stain that keeps on showing on the wall no matter how ma...
PETER CAREY The thing about him is he's going to go somewhere to play basketball, but also use it to get him a g...
DUANE HILER The good thing about this team is, we're a pretty even-keeled team. We never get too high. We never ...
BRIAN GIORGIS I feel like shoes are one of those things that no matter how conservative or how outrageous you get,...
MELANIE FIONA You know, a sane man would be wetting his pants.. Good thing he was crazy as hell."

SHERRILYN KENYON I think a good script is a rare thing, and I think no matter who you are you have to fight for the g...
ANNA KENDRICK The bottom line is to try to get into as much of a rhythm as we can before that first game. No matte...
KURT WARNER I used to beat myself up about weight and working out, and no matter what I did I never felt good ab...
ELLEN DEGENERES A thing moderately good is not so good as it ought to be.
THOMAS PAINE Politics is a good thing!
LARRY J. SABATO Caffeine is a good thing.
MANOJ BHARGAVA As much as you might hate me, you can’t change the fact that I know you, Lily. And no matter how m...
RACHEL SPANSWICK He that hath no ill fortune is troubled with good.
GEORGE HERBERT Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty da...
WOODY ALLEN There is no such thing as a good value for a bad product.
ZACK No matter how developed it is, a country which does not protects its own wild life can never be call...
MEHMET MURAT ILDAN To me, Federer is the best player that ever hit a tennis ball on a tennis court. But he can get bett...
CLIFF DRYSDALE We were never perfect. There's no such thing as perfect. But it's not to late for us. We can still b...
PITTACUS LORE She has emotional ups and downs that we never saw before. She's much more self-confident now, not as...
LEILANI BOND Sometimes earning awards doesn't matter as much as earning revenue or profit, or having a good r...
STEPHEN CHOW a pamphlet, no matter how good, is never read more than once. But a song is learned by heart and rep...
JOE HILL I like the fact that my films have always encouraged bad and good reviews. The most depressing thing...
TERRY GILLIAM No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
DAN CASTELLANETA Anytime rock and metal can get on mainstream TV at all, it's a good thing.
EDDIE TRUNK Mitch played a good game. He had some pretty good saves.
PAUL PETERSON I'd like to be the commissioner of tennis, but do I want to get into politics? Sometimes I have ...
JOHN MCENROE The biggest thing is to just get as much rest as possible. And if we can swim like we're capable of ...
DAVID REASON As far as I can judge, not much good can be done without disturbing something or somebody.
EDWARD BLAKE Any step in the right direction, no matter how small, is a good step.
JIM GENOVESE There comes a moment in your life when you realize that no matter how hard you try, you're never goi...
KIM GRUENENFELDER I'm not funny. Never have been and, as far as I can tell, I never will be.
DAVID DOBKIN In golf, advice is not a big thing. If you don't have the ability, you won't get anywhere no...
ANGEL CABRERA That's the most important thing. You don't want to lose the hard work of all those placements. It be...
DELIA VIADER One of my side strange abilities is to hear a good song, no matter how it's being performed. Eve...
MANFRED MANN We feel good about the win and know that even when we were losing, we were playing good tennis. We f...
DAN SILVERSTEIN I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. He taught me that if you are in...
ROALD DAHL No matter what size I am I love performing no matter how big or little I am! I feel good.
KELLY CLARKSON There is a kind of victory in good work, no matter how humble.
JACK KEMP

More Mitch Hedberg

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
MITCH HEDBERG Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was proli...
MITCH HEDBERG If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
MITCH HEDBERG I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has...
MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
MITCH HEDBERG All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that b...
MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a w...
MITCH HEDBERG Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Rob...
MITCH HEDBERG Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, s...
MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're g...
MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got h...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so......
MITCH HEDBERG Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, yo...
MITCH HEDBERG I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the...
MITCH HEDBERG I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, becau...
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the d...
MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't ...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio?...
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-ci...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfwa...
MITCH HEDBERG I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. Th...
MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have han...
MITCH HEDBERG I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and...
MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporari...
MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't...
MITCH HEDBERG I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
MITCH HEDBERG It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
MITCH HEDBERG I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good...
MITCH HEDBERG Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a...
MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's ha...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other...
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, beca...
MITCH HEDBERG I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store...
MITCH HEDBERG Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile whe...
MITCH HEDBERG Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
MITCH HEDBERG I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally w...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was tryi...
MITCH HEDBERG Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all ...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with the...
MITCH HEDBERG I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would nev...
MITCH HEDBERG You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at m...
MITCH HEDBERG With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quit...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I'v...
MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming...
MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wa...
MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other w...
MITCH HEDBERG Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because...
MITCH HEDBERG If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supp...
MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit!
MITCH HEDBERG At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I nee...
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
MITCH HEDBERG My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't wan...
MITCH HEDBERG I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people wer...
MITCH HEDBERG My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was sup...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations th...
MITCH HEDBERG I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying g...
MITCH HEDBERG If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
MITCH HEDBERG A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized h...
MITCH HEDBERG Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport ...
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away...
MITCH HEDBERG ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would ...
MITCH HEDBERG Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and ...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of tak...
MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
MITCH HEDBERG “S*** or get off the pot.”
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they pa...
MITCH HEDBERG Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because th...
MITCH HEDBERG You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.
MITCH HEDBERG I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in f...
MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get ...
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ev...
MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way ...
MITCH HEDBERG I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!
MITCH HEDBERG There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!
MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
MITCH HEDBERG Why are there no during pictures.
MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I do...
MITCH HEDBERG I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.
MITCH HEDBERG I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't k...
MITCH HEDBERG I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me ...
MITCH HEDBERG Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and...
MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I ...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorr...
MITCH HEDBERG I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a con...
MITCH HEDBERG You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, ...
MITCH HEDBERG I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They re...
MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know h...
MITCH HEDBERG If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, t...
MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporaril...
MITCH HEDBERG You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with...
MITCH HEDBERG I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me.
MITCH HEDBERG I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is
MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubbl...
MITCH HEDBERG I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
MITCH HEDBERG I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry...
MITCH HEDBERG I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to p...
MITCH HEDBERG Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one.
MITCH HEDBERG I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wr...
MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll ...
MITCH HEDBERG My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockr...
MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never l...
MITCH HEDBERG I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
MITCH HEDBERG What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?...
MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna hav...
MITCH HEDBERG Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
MITCH HEDBERG I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Gr...
MITCH HEDBERG It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funk...
MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'...
MITCH HEDBERG One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict...
MITCH HEDBERG That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th...
MITCH HEDBERG I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a...
MITCH HEDBERG COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP
MITCH HEDBERG I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.
MITCH HEDBERG Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't...
MITCH HEDBERG 2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product...
MITCH HEDBERG I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t...
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I...
MITCH HEDBERG Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,0...
MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG the best plan is changeable
MITCH They're all really little boys. We get these guys who control business kingdoms and make people shak...
CATHARINA HEDBERG On Thursday I found him in his room in the fetal position.
CATHARINA HEDBERG She is definitely an offensive threat. If she can get her feet set, she can be deadly.
WENDY HEDBERG No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them.
CATHARINA HEDBERG Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco...
WENDY HEDBERG Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con...
WENDY HEDBERG People in the industry foresee a time in which, for many people, the only thing they'll need on ...
MITCH KAPOR When business leaders ask me what they can do for Indiana, I always reply: 'Make money. Go make ...
MITCH DANIELS I think we need to respect the wishes of voters. They have been busily at work making these decision...
MITCH MCCONNELL I give Bill Gates an A for vision because, as a business person and a strategist, he's brilliant...
MITCH KAPOR We did the two-year extension of Bush tax cuts in 2010. We negotiated the Budget Control Act in Augu...
MITCH MCCONNELL The border is way more porous than it should be, and I think we'd be open to discussing anything...
MITCH MCCONNELL My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came...
MITCH ALBOM We're living under the Obama economy. Any CEO in America with a record like this after three yea...
MITCH MCCONNELL People come down for baseball or football or hockey and drive by the refurbished Fox and State theat...
MITCH ALBOM If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's goi...
MITCH ALBOM My jaw dropped, ... I felt shame that I had to find out over the television, then felt sorrow and a ...
MITCH ALBOM Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? ... He could be research. A huma...
MITCH ALBOM You're not a wave, you're a part of the ocean.
MITCH ALBOM A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention with the possible exceptions ...
MITCH RATCLIFFE Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a we...
MITCH ALBOM You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense o...
MITCH ALBOM Now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of th...
MITCH ALBOM Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe.
MITCH ALBOM You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, y...
MITCH ALBOM But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of goin...
MITCH ALBOM I drive a beat-up Mercury Cougar, with the windows down and the music up. I seek my identity in toug...
MITCH ALBOM So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy do...
MITCH ALBOM