The center snaps the ball to the quarterback!"
"No he doesn't!"
"He doesn't?"
"NO! Secretly, he's the quarterback for the other team! He keeps the ball!"
"A traitor!"
"Calvin breaks for the goal."
"Wheeee! He's at the 30... the 20... the 10! Nobody can catch him!"
"Nobody wants to! Your running toward your own goal!"
"Huh?!"
"When I learned that you were a spy, I switched goals. This is your goal and mine's hidden!"
"Hidden?!"
"You'll never find it in a million years!"
"I don't need to find it as a traitor to your team, crossing my goal counts as crossing your goal!"
"Ah, so you might think so..."
"In fact, I know so!"
"But the place I hid my goal is right on top of your goal, so the points will go to me!"
"But the fact is, I'm really a double agent! I'm on your team after all, which means you'll lose points if I cross your goal! Ha ha!"
"But I'm a traitor too, so I'm really on your team! I want you to cross my goal! The points will go to your team, which is really my team!"
"That would be true... if I were a football player!"
"You mean...?"
"I'm actually a badminton player disguised as a double-agent football player!!"
"And I'm actually a volleyball-croquet-polo player!"
"Sooner or later, all our games turn into CalvinBall."
"No cheating!


Bill Watterson

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Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?
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Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
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I thought my life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track.
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When you thi...
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The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
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[A little more than a year after the comic entered syndication, it was collected in a book that beca...
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I'm sick of everybody telling me what to do.
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I'll bet my autopsy reveals my mouth is too big.
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Verbing weirds language.
BILL WATTERSON
The world isn't fair, Calvin."
"I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?
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This is where dad burried the little raccoon.
I don't even know he existed a few days ago and n...
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Watcha doin'?”
“Looking for frogs.”
“How come?”
“I must follow the inscru...
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She says we don't r...
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Scientific Progress goes boink?
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Until you stalk and overrun, you cannot devour anyone.

-Hobbes
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I wonder where we go when we die?”
“…Pittsburgh?”
“You mean if we’re good or i...
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Calvin:"It says here that 'religion is the opiate of the masses.'...what do you suppose that means?"...
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County library? Reference desk, please. Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the probl...
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“That’s thoughtful of you...
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I've been thinking Hobbes"
"On a weekend?"
"Well, it wasn't on purpose
BILL WATTERSON
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Calvin's Mom: "What did you think of it?"
C...
BILL WATTERSON
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CALVIN: ...
BILL WATTERSON
I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - Calvin
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Hey Dad, will you buy me a flame thrower?

Of course not. Don't be silly.

Eve...
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I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!
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Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
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Virtual reality has nothing on Calvin.
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You know what's the rage this year? ...Hats.
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It's going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn't know anything but wha...
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I keep forgetting that rules are only for little nice people.
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I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
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Reading goes faster if you don't sweat comprehension.
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Isn't it sad how some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any prepost...
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We've had a few, but considering the length of the delay, it has not been bad.
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To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.
BILL WATTERSON
Hobbes might be a little closer to me in terms of personality, with Calvin being more energetic, bra...
BILL WATTERSON
I hate to subject it to too much analysis, but one thing I have fun with is the rarity of things bei...
BILL WATTERSON
Obviously the great thing about this job is the complete freedom of the schedule. So long as I meet ...
BILL WATTERSON
The timber wolves will be our friends.We'll stay up late and howl,At the moon, till nighttime ends,B...
BILL WATTERSON
Whenever I hear about people trying to rediscover the "child within," I want to scream.
BILL WATTERSON
I'm yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by H...
BILL WATTERSON
Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.
BILL WATTERSON
If you don't have anything to say just keep quiet! Provoking a reaction isn't the same as saying som...
BILL WATTERSON
The kind of girl I was attracted to in school and eventually married.
BILL WATTERSON
. . . it's worth recognizing that there is no such thing as an overnight success. You will do well t...
BILL WATTERSON
I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of...
BILL WATTERSON
A REAL job is a job you hate.
BILL WATTERSON
It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
BILL WATTERSON
Reading those turgid philosophers here in these remote stone buildings may not get you a job, but if...
BILL WATTERSON
There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.
BILL WATTERSON
Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to ...
BILL WATTERSON
If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 minutes, than it's probably not worth...
BILL WATTERSON
You can lead people to the truth, but you can't make them understand it.
BILL WATTERSON
How come we play war and not peace?"
"Too few role models.
BILL WATTERSON
Such is American business, I guess, where the desire for obscene profit mutes any discussion of cons...
BILL WATTERSON
Now what state do you live in?'
'Denial.
BILL WATTERSON
Mothers are the necessity of invention.
BILL WATTERSON
I learned about what I love. Imagination, deep friendship, animals, family, the natural world, ideas...
BILL WATTERSON
I was not prepared for the resulting attention. Besides disliking the diminishment of privacy and th...
BILL WATTERSON
I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
BILL WATTERSON
At school, new ideas are thrust at you every day. Out in the world, you'll have to find the inner mo...
BILL WATTERSON
Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these ...
BILL WATTERSON
Why isn't my life like a situation comedy? Why don't I have a bunch of friends with nothing better t...
BILL WATTERSON
By golly, life's too darn short to waste time trying to please every meddlesome moron who's got an i...
BILL WATTERSON
A box of new crayons! Now they're all pointy, lined up in order, bright and perfect. Soon they'll be...
BILL WATTERSON
I know the world isn't fair, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?
BILL WATTERSON
Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster th...
BILL WATTERSON
It's surprising how hard we'll work when the work is done just for ourselves.
BILL WATTERSON
It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.
BILL WATTERSON
[Calvin: A 6-year-old boy who thinks like a grown-up and fantasizes like a child.] Calvin is very fr...
BILL WATTERSON