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Take my wife... Please!


Henny Youngman

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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop. -Henny Youngman.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Take my wife . . . . Please!
HENRY YOUNGMAN If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
HENNY YOUNGMAN If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
HENNY YOUNGMAN She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
HENNY YOUNGMAN You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
HENNY YOUNGMAN My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he salute...
HENNY YOUNGMAN I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
HENNY YOUNGMAN My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
HENNY YOUNGMAN A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another si...
HENNY YOUNGMAN That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
HENNY YOUNGMAN I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He g...
HENNY YOUNGMAN How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
HENNY YOUNGMAN Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
HENNY YOUNGMAN A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
HENNY YOUNGMAN When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
HENNY YOUNGMAN I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o clock.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
HENNY YOUNGMAN I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!
HENNY YOUNGMAN Ladies and gentlemen thank you for flying xyz airlines, we hope you enjoyed your flight as much as w...
HENNY YOUNGMAN Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little a...
HENNY YOUNGMAN I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
HENNY YOUNGMAN When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
HENNY YOUNGMAN I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -- they have no holidays.
HENNY YOUNGMAN If your going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for in the morning, sleep late.
HENNY YOUNGMAN My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
HENNY YOUNGMAN There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a litt...
HENNY YOUNGMAN The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
HENNY YOUNGMAN A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one t...
HENNY YOUNGMAN I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill...
HENNY YOUNGMAN Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week...
HENNY YOUNGMAN If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep lat...
HENNY YOUNGMAN This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
HENNY YOUNGMAN My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
HENNY YOUNGMAN You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
HENNY YOUNGMAN I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
HENNY YOUNGMAN The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
HENNY YOUNGMAN While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
HENNY YOUNGMAN If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
HENNY YOUNGMAN I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4 today.
HENNY YOUNGMAN If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late.
HENNY YOUNGMAN I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
HENNY YOUNGMAN I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
HENNY YOUNGMAN My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
HENNY YOUNGMAN The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
HENNY YOUNGMAN She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
HENNY YOUNGMAN This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
HENNY YOUNGMAN My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
HENNY YOUNGMAN The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What ...
HENNY YOUNGMAN My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet fi...
HENNY YOUNGMAN This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
HENNY YOUNGMAN The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
HENNY YOUNGMAN A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my...
HENNY YOUNGMAN Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says ...
HENNY YOUNGMAN A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says ...
HENNY YOUNGMAN If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
HENNY YOUNGMAN The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
HENNY YOUNGMAN She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!
HENNY YOUNGMAN Ştii ce înseamnă să vii acasă seara la o femeie care să îţi ofere dragoste, afecţiune şi u...
HENNY YOUNGMAN What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!
HENNY YOUNGMAN Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angele...
HENNY YOUNGMAN How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
HENNY YOUNGMAN Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
HENNY YOUNGMAN My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
HENNY YOUNGMAN This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
HENNY YOUNGMAN My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
HENNY YOUNGMAN Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
HENNY YOUNGMAN A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my...
HENNY YOUNGMAN I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that...
HENNY YOUNGMAN I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Dear books, please take me to the places where my feet can't take me.
H. MIDORIKAWA Take me home, take me home, take me home, I need to go home. Please, please, whatever magic is out t...
KRISTEN ASHLEY O: Hey youngman, you should respect me! Y: Hey oldman, you should understand me!
TOBA BETA O: Hey youngman, you should respect me!
Y: Hey oldman, you should understand me!
TOBA BETA A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my br...
UNKNOWN I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back
HENRY YOUNGMAN Oh..please dont eat me, I have a wife and three kids...eat them!
HOMER SIMPSON Leave my past... come in the present (PLEASE).
DEYTH BANGER No, please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids,eat them. - Homer Simpson
SIMPSONS I think my wife would take objection to any characterization of me as perfect.
PETER BLAIR HENRY Please take the next step to release my husband and return his children's lives to normal.
LILIANA AKE My wife expects me to be on a plane to Rome for the CBS screening of the CBS TV movie about Pope Joh...
ARN TELLEM You ever-gentle gods, take my breath from me; Let not my worser spirit tempt me again To die b...
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE Please promise to take the very best care of my only girl. With so much love my heart might split in...
CAROL RIFKA BRUNT Neither my wife nor my two sons would agree with that. In fact, they would take strong issue with it...
DAVID STERN Please feel free to take this personally.
SUZANNE COLLINS My job as an entertainer is to take you some place else. I love exploring different genres of music ...
GLORIA ESTEFAN My father played five years for Valence in France's second division. I'd always cry when he ...
HENRIKH MKHITARYAN Rare, very rare, is that friend who comes and says, O my Beloved, take me into Your Embrace! O my Lo...
SRI GURU GRANTH SAHIB I'll take a redrum with a rellik please.
BRIAN CELIO I take her as God made her, and as men Must fail to unmake her, for my honoured wife.
ELIZABETH BARRETT BROWNING I love my wife to death. I mean my ex-wife.
STEWART RAHR I do not regard it as wrong to take my life, because I simply change my place of residence and go wh...
ALEX CAMPBELL A wife should no more take her husband's name than he should hers. My name is my identity and mu...
LUCY STONE

More Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
HENNY YOUNGMAN If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
HENNY YOUNGMAN She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
HENNY YOUNGMAN You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
HENNY YOUNGMAN My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he salute...
HENNY YOUNGMAN I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
HENNY YOUNGMAN My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
HENNY YOUNGMAN A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another si...
HENNY YOUNGMAN That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
HENNY YOUNGMAN I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He g...
HENNY YOUNGMAN How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
HENNY YOUNGMAN Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
HENNY YOUNGMAN A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
HENNY YOUNGMAN When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
HENNY YOUNGMAN I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o clock.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
HENNY YOUNGMAN I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!
HENNY YOUNGMAN Ladies and gentlemen thank you for flying xyz airlines, we hope you enjoyed your flight as much as w...
HENNY YOUNGMAN Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little a...
HENNY YOUNGMAN I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
HENNY YOUNGMAN When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
HENNY YOUNGMAN I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -- they have no holidays.
HENNY YOUNGMAN If your going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for in the morning, sleep late.
HENNY YOUNGMAN My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
HENNY YOUNGMAN There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a litt...
HENNY YOUNGMAN The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
HENNY YOUNGMAN A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one t...
HENNY YOUNGMAN I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill...
HENNY YOUNGMAN Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week...
HENNY YOUNGMAN If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep lat...
HENNY YOUNGMAN This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
HENNY YOUNGMAN My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
HENNY YOUNGMAN You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
HENNY YOUNGMAN I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
HENNY YOUNGMAN The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
HENNY YOUNGMAN While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
HENNY YOUNGMAN If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
HENNY YOUNGMAN I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4 today.
HENNY YOUNGMAN If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop. -Henny Youngman.
HENNY YOUNGMAN I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
HENNY YOUNGMAN I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
HENNY YOUNGMAN My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
HENNY YOUNGMAN The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
HENNY YOUNGMAN She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
HENNY YOUNGMAN This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
HENNY YOUNGMAN My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
HENNY YOUNGMAN The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What ...
HENNY YOUNGMAN My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet fi...
HENNY YOUNGMAN This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
HENNY YOUNGMAN The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
HENNY YOUNGMAN A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my...
HENNY YOUNGMAN Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says ...
HENNY YOUNGMAN A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says ...
HENNY YOUNGMAN If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
HENNY YOUNGMAN The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
HENNY YOUNGMAN She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
HENNY YOUNGMAN Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!
HENNY YOUNGMAN Ştii ce înseamnă să vii acasă seara la o femeie care să îţi ofere dragoste, afecţiune şi u...
HENNY YOUNGMAN What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!
HENNY YOUNGMAN Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angele...
HENNY YOUNGMAN How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
HENNY YOUNGMAN Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
HENNY YOUNGMAN My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
HENNY YOUNGMAN This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
HENNY YOUNGMAN My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
HENNY YOUNGMAN Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
HENNY YOUNGMAN A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my...
HENNY YOUNGMAN I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that...
HENNY YOUNGMAN I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
HENNY YOUNGMAN The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
HENRY YOUNGMAN I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
HENRY YOUNGMAN Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little a...
HENRY YOUNGMAN I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back
HENRY YOUNGMAN If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving.
HENRY YOUNGMAN I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock
HENRY YOUNGMAN When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say
HENRY YOUNGMAN My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
HENRY YOUNGMAN While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
HENRY YOUNGMAN A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
HENRY YOUNGMAN My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
HENRY YOUNGMAN When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
HENRY YOUNGMAN I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
HENRY YOUNGMAN When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
HENRY YOUNGMAN My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
HENRY YOUNGMAN You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
HENRY YOUNGMAN Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week...
HENRY YOUNGMAN I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
HENRY YOUNGMAN If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
HENRY YOUNGMAN Take my wife . . . . Please!
HENRY YOUNGMAN