Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

Why don't they serve hot dogs at McDonalds? No one could order a McWeiner with a straight face! Just wait until they ask if you'd like to supersize that!

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.