Somebody’s going to be reading, right? Wrong. They’re FBing. “Doing a Number Two. Maybe I shouldn’t have had those chilli peppers. Hope y’all having a good day! —Coming from a toilet not far from you. xxxx

I should never be left alone with my mind for too long.

But it is best to let sleeping facts lie.

Bill was wrestling with his undercooked chicken. "Wow," I remarked while examining my own plate. "I don't think I can eat this."
"I know. It's gross," he conceded. "But it's free, so I scarf down seconds each night."
"As a dog returneth to his vomit," I said, while making the sign of the cross in the air in front of me.
"Amen," he agreed with his mouth full, and toasted me with his 7Up can.

Now chin up,” Puss said, moving Mark’s chin upwards. “Did you hear me? My plan? Your future wife?”

“I’ll have a wife?” Mark said, still in a daze.

“Details, details. You’ll have a girlfriend, I suppose,” Puss sighed. “Then she’ll become your wife. And out of your gratitude, you will find me a lifelong companion from the pet store…”

Mark laid his head back and let out a stream of air. “I’m going to have a wife. And my cat can talk. My cat is a matchmaker.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?