Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.