So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'