Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.


George Carlin

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If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN
If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN
I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN
I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN
Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN
He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN
Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN
You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN
'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN
When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN
In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN
In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN
I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN
A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN
I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN
If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN
If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN
What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN
Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN
Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN
You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN
Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN
Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN
I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN
What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN
One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN
If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN