Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.

Every man is a potential genius until he does something.

A whipper-snapper of criticism who quoted dead languages to hide his ignorance of life.

Sirs, I have tested your machine [a gramophone]. It adds a new terror to life and makes death a long-felt want.

The national sport of England is obstacle-racing. People fill their rooms with useless and cumbersome furniture, and spend the rest of their lives in trying to dodge it.

Ladies, just a little more virginity, if you don't mind.