My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird-a** quiz, where he reveals the answer first.
Mitch Hedberg
Related My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's l... MITCH HEDBERG I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ... KELLY JONES I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the... MITCH HEDBERG Everyone always says how I'm so smart, but they don't know what it's like being me. always feeling l... SUSANE COLASANTI You have to use the secrets. Link Hall is open 24 hours, so if you need to go warm up or use the bat... HARRY SHAFER The products in my bathroom are pretty minimal. Issey Miyake makes great cologne, and I use everythi... SAM BRADFORD People don't have time to waste and certainly not on cleaning every nook and cranny of the shower. L... LAURA DELLUTRI I need to brush my teeth. And I need a shower." He grinned, hopping off the bike. "Now th... BECCA FITZPATRICK Friendship is a double-edged sword one side it can be great and true but the other side it spells be... GARY F EVANS... I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emu... ANTHONY JESELNIK Too many people arm paddle, and they really need to learn to use their torso, to use their whole bod... BILL MERRICK I'm able to use this spring training to really prepare for the season, where normally I'd have to co... AARON COOK At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I nee... MITCH HEDBERG We found the bathrooms, which were labeled 'Aliens' and 'Femaliens.' 'Finally,' I said to J.Lo.... ADAM REX He gave me a book and said he was going to give me a quiz on the first 24 pages, ROBERT BLY I don't need to pay a therapist to give me crap. I have a roommate that does it for free. ALLY MCBEAL Were I to commence my administration again, the first question I would ask respecting a candidate wo... THOMAS JEFFERSON The beauty of the nonprofit sector is its diversity. Americans need to figure out that they should u... DANIEL BOROCHOFF He brings her out here, and then he asks to use [her] bathroom, JOE WARREN Aaron didn't use his driver much at all. He kept himself in the fairway and that's where you need to... BILL MCLEOD Congratulations, to the people which made gotham series, still need some more and extra work! DEYTH BANGER To have the cognitive abilities to do research and development is vital to a forever expanding world... GARY F EVANS... The first and foremost human right or fundamental right is the right to exist. APURVA GAGLANI If we ever put research into what the subconscious is we could probably come to the conclusion that ... GARY F EVANS... i know im not the girl you wanted. not the one you want to hear from. but what you see is what you g... SIMI GREWAL Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it?... ERNEST HEMINGWAY He does have a history of drug use. We don't know how recent, or if any drug use occurred up to the ... CRAIG HARVEY My interactions with Sorkin were agonisingly weird. He is by far the weirdest person I have ever met... SEAN PARKER I like ungroomed men. The relaxed look. I don't like fussy guys. Just shower and use deodorant. CAROLINE WINBERG I would like to help people have honest and constructive conversations about energy. We need to unde... DAVID J. C. MACKAY Some people never take a chance and never know what it's like to live life to the full. CHLOE THURLOW What you forget when you're planning a hijack by yourself is somewhere along the line, you might nee... CHUCK PALAHNIUK I like to do weird things in the shower, like drink my coffee, brush my teeth and drink a smoothie. ... MICHELLE WILLIAMS The first question which you will ask and which I must try to answer is this; What is the use of cli... GEORGE LEIGH MALLORY I think I would like to be represented by him, ... He had agreed not to use a mental health defense.... THEODORE KACZYNSKI Who knew that he was gonna be a drummer? We just freaked out. It's weird, and it's a blessing. ... H... HENRY GARZA Bathroom, maybe? Which is where I need to go." "Ooh, me, too," Eve said. The boys rolled ... RACHEL CAINE We need the water fixed. We need to take a shower. ADAM MORRIS He is one of the best runners we have and we need to use him more. GREG OVESON My biography of Jesus is probably the first popular biography that does not use the New Testament as... REZA ASLAN If you're a public official you need to take care of the taxpayers money and use it where it's suppo... WADE PERRY "Life is like a mathematical problem you just need to use the right equation to solve it". SMART GHOST He is a great ball player and a good leader. He does a very good job. We about to use him more on de... ERIC PARMLEY I like to use my hands and make things... It might seem pretty stupid or pointless but that doesn... BRUCE NAUMAN The capabilities of the satellite speak for themselves. I do not need to say anything about what the... SHIMON ECKHAUS The saying sell all your belongings & give to the poor simply means "Redirect your mind to the verit... DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) Life can only be understood looking backward. It must be lived forward. ERIC ROTH You're afraid of getting hurt like I'm afraid to die. It doesn't mean I'm not going to live every da... VI KEELAND Wesley Rush doesn't chase girls, but I'm chasing you. KODY KEPLINGER I turn and kick with the first one and feel myself being lifted and thrown towards the beach. It's l... MARK SMITH What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough ... DOUGLAS ADAMS One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit o... DOUGLAS ADAMS Can anyone seriously contend that whether a 14-year-old boy, who thinks he is a girl, gets to use th... PAT BUCHANAN We use industry standard RSS so that anyone can subscribe. You do not even need a Mac. STEVE JOBS Aishwarya, my parent's daughter, has been brought up with enough values inculcated where I will ... AISHWARYA RAI BACHCHAN The scientific method gives us
information by testing and repeating observable things so that we
can... LEWIS N. ROE Regardless of whether or not they contribute, they will need medical attention and they will need to... ANDREW HOLNESS For the first time in my life, I said the words, “I need a drink. CRISTINA MARRERO I don't spend a lot of time asking "WHY?" Instead I focus on what I should do now or how I should re... JEFF DIXON-THE KEY TO THE KINGDOM I think the best projects understand that they don't need to invent a new currency. They don'... GAVIN ANDRESEN It would be a lot better for the staff and our coaches to know that he is more available. There were... DON COOPER We need to use some of these lower areas as flood retention areas, as places to collect the hazards. CRAIG COLTEN some people need the discipline of the taxes and penalties of a traditional IRA to avoid the temptat... WILLIAM ROTH Raphael turned me over and looked at me, his face close to mine. "You and I will never be done.You'r... ILONA ANDREWS I don't let my parents use the TV remote. How are they going to navigate and surf the web to get wha... DAN ROBERTS I was like, I need to go to the bathroom, nudge, nudge. And the girls go with you, but that doesn't ... EMILY WHITE We need Iran to use maximum transparency because there are a lot of question marks about its program... MOHAMED ELBARADEI This neo-minimalism super cold stuff is weird to me. I need a place where I can come home and take m... FRANK GEHRY Don't use it because it is available for you. It is available for you just in case you need it. EPHDAN One time I tried to use the bathroom in the dark, and I missed the toilet, and I fell on the floor. RITA ORA We need to move the ball better than the last three years, use our quickness as an advantage. I expe... MARK MAZZON I'll use mascara because I need a little help with my blonde eyelashes. I like They're Real!... ROSE MCIVER Use your money to meet the need of your neighbor SUNDAY ADELAJA Anything that is exclusive will be accused of elitism; living one’s dreams will be called pretenti... FENNEL HUDSON Don’t be a prat, Neville, that’s illegal,” said George. “They wouldn’t use the Cruciatus C... J.K. ROWLING Did you just use juxtaposition in a sentence?" "Yes, Sage" he said patiently. "We use it all t... RICHELLE MEAD We need to use the cover that's already here to protect the seedlings. Eventually the ones that surv... JOE ENGBECK They stick you with those names, those labels -- ‘rebel’ or whatever; whatever they like to use.... JOHNNY DEPP They stick you with those names, those labels -- rebel or whatever; whatever they like to use. B... JOHNNY DEPP Use a condom. The world doesn't need another you. CARROLL BRYANT Last year, we had a couple drinks and played some soccer. We came back, and I was taking a shower. M... AARON TORRES Kindness is universal. Sometimes being kind allows others to see the goodness in humanity through yo... GERMANY KENT This meet lets coaches fill in the puzzle pieces about which kids will run where. We use it as a bas... BILL HARLIN Don't use the phone. People are never ready to answer it. Use poetry. JACK KEROUAC Being told when to shit, shower, shave, eat, and sleep isn't my idea of paradise. But then again, Pa... SIMONE ELKELES Computers shouldn't be unusable. You don't need to know how to work a telephone switch to make a pho... SCOTT MCNEALY A flower does not use words to announce its arrival to the world; it just blooms. MATSHONA DHLIWAYO The kids need to use the filter between their ears. They need to know the Internet is not between th... PARRY AFTAB Only downside to your place is the disturbing low amount of extraneous toiletries. No conditioner? L... BECCA FITZPATRICK I don't have any weird night rituals. I definitely am a ritualistic person... I like to go downs... CHARLIE WORSHAM I hate that just because you happen to be good at something,people automatically think that's what m... AMBER SMITH The impossible - we are told - cannot be achieved. To overcome the 'impossible,' we need to ... PHILIPPE PETIT He looked for me for two hours. I was hiding under desks, in the shower, the bathroom. He couldn't f... DAN ROHN I have a dream, I have a vision, I have a mission, I have to do something, I will do this at this ti... ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH Judge not lest ye be judged. THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MATTHEW I think some board members believe [this proposal] doesn't go far enough. They think we need to go e... JOE RUSSELL We need to involve everybody. We will need to use all of our resources. MERLE WILLIAMS President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, we... DAVID LETTERMAN I like doing things where I can get dirty, work with my hands, and use power tools. Last weekend, I ... NATHAN FILLION We can use decision-making to choose the habits we want to form, use willpower to get the habit star... GRETCHEN RUBIN
More Mitch Hedberg
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. MITCH HEDBERG Dogs are forever in the push up postion. MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. MITCH HEDBERG I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. MITCH HEDBERG I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was proli... MITCH HEDBERG If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. MITCH HEDBERG I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. MITCH HEDBERG I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has... MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. MITCH HEDBERG When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. MITCH HEDBERG All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that b... MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a w... MITCH HEDBERG Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Rob... MITCH HEDBERG Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. MITCH HEDBERG A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, s... MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're g... MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got h... MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so...... MITCH HEDBERG Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, yo... MITCH HEDBERG I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the... MITCH HEDBERG I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, becau... MITCH HEDBERG I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the d... MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't ... MITCH HEDBERG I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio?... MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna... MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. MITCH HEDBERG Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-ci... MITCH HEDBERG I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfwa... MITCH HEDBERG I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. Th... MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have han... MITCH HEDBERG I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. MITCH HEDBERG Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. MITCH HEDBERG My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and... MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporari... MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't... MITCH HEDBERG I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. MITCH HEDBERG It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? MITCH HEDBERG I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good... MITCH HEDBERG Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a... MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's ha... MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other... MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, beca... MITCH HEDBERG I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store... MITCH HEDBERG Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile whe... MITCH HEDBERG Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. MITCH HEDBERG I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you... MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally w... MITCH HEDBERG I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was tryi... MITCH HEDBERG Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over... MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all ... MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with the... MITCH HEDBERG I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would nev... MITCH HEDBERG You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at m... MITCH HEDBERG With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quit... MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. MITCH HEDBERG I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. MITCH HEDBERG I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I'v... MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something. MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming... MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. MITCH HEDBERG I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wa... MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna... MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other w... MITCH HEDBERG Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved. MITCH HEDBERG I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because... MITCH HEDBERG If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supp... MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer. MITCH HEDBERG I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit! MITCH HEDBERG At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I nee... MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist. MITCH HEDBERG My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's l... MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't wan... MITCH HEDBERG I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t. MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. MITCH HEDBERG Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people wer... MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was sup... MITCH HEDBERG I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations th... MITCH HEDBERG I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a... MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying g... MITCH HEDBERG If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. MITCH HEDBERG A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized h... MITCH HEDBERG Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport ... MITCH HEDBERG Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away... MITCH HEDBERG ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would ... MITCH HEDBERG Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and ... MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said... MITCH HEDBERG My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of tak... MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle. MITCH HEDBERG I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. MITCH HEDBERG “S*** or get off the pot.” MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they pa... MITCH HEDBERG Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because th... MITCH HEDBERG You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show. MITCH HEDBERG I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in f... MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. MITCH HEDBERG I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get ... MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. MITCH HEDBERG If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ev... MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way ... MITCH HEDBERG I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake. MITCH HEDBERG Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss! MITCH HEDBERG There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips! MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty. MITCH HEDBERG Pickles are cucumbers that sold out. MITCH HEDBERG Why are there no during pictures. MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. MITCH HEDBERG I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I do... MITCH HEDBERG I tried walking into a Target , but I missed. MITCH HEDBERG I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't k... MITCH HEDBERG I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me ... MITCH HEDBERG Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and... MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero? MITCH HEDBERG A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I ... MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorr... MITCH HEDBERG I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a con... MITCH HEDBERG You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, ... MITCH HEDBERG I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They re... MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know h... MITCH HEDBERG If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, t... MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporaril... MITCH HEDBERG You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with... MITCH HEDBERG I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me. MITCH HEDBERG I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubbl... MITCH HEDBERG I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying... MITCH HEDBERG I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry... MITCH HEDBERG I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. MITCH HEDBERG I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to p... MITCH HEDBERG Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one. MITCH HEDBERG I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wr... MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll ... MITCH HEDBERG My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockr... MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never l... MITCH HEDBERG I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. MITCH HEDBERG What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?... MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna hav... MITCH HEDBERG Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. MITCH HEDBERG I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. MITCH HEDBERG On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Gr... MITCH HEDBERG It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funk... MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'... MITCH HEDBERG One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict... MITCH HEDBERG That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th... MITCH HEDBERG I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a... MITCH HEDBERG COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP MITCH HEDBERG I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner. MITCH HEDBERG Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. MITCH HEDBERG I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't... MITCH HEDBERG 2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. MITCH HEDBERG I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product... MITCH HEDBERG I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. MITCH HEDBERG I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha... MITCH HEDBERG My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t... MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. MITCH HEDBERG I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I... MITCH HEDBERG Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,0... MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. MITCH HEDBERG I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. MITCH HEDBERG the best plan is changeable MITCH They're all really little boys. We get these guys who control business kingdoms and make people shak... CATHARINA HEDBERG On Thursday I found him in his room in the fetal position. CATHARINA HEDBERG She is definitely an offensive threat. If she can get her feet set, she can be deadly. WENDY HEDBERG No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them. CATHARINA HEDBERG Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco... WENDY HEDBERG Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con... WENDY HEDBERG People in the industry foresee a time in which, for many people, the only thing they'll need on ... MITCH KAPOR When business leaders ask me what they can do for Indiana, I always reply: 'Make money. Go make ... MITCH DANIELS I think we need to respect the wishes of voters. They have been busily at work making these decision... MITCH MCCONNELL I give Bill Gates an A for vision because, as a business person and a strategist, he's brilliant... MITCH KAPOR We did the two-year extension of Bush tax cuts in 2010. We negotiated the Budget Control Act in Augu... MITCH MCCONNELL The border is way more porous than it should be, and I think we'd be open to discussing anything... MITCH MCCONNELL My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came... MITCH ALBOM We're living under the Obama economy. Any CEO in America with a record like this after three yea... MITCH MCCONNELL People come down for baseball or football or hockey and drive by the refurbished Fox and State theat... MITCH ALBOM If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's goi... MITCH ALBOM My jaw dropped, ... I felt shame that I had to find out over the television, then felt sorrow and a ... MITCH ALBOM Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? ... He could be research. A huma... MITCH ALBOM You're not a wave, you're a part of the ocean. MITCH ALBOM A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention with the possible exceptions ... MITCH RATCLIFFE Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a we... MITCH ALBOM You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense o... MITCH ALBOM Now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of th... MITCH ALBOM Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe. MITCH ALBOM You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, y... MITCH ALBOM But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of goin... MITCH ALBOM I drive a beat-up Mercury Cougar, with the windows down and the music up. I seek my identity in toug... MITCH ALBOM So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy do... MITCH ALBOM