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My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.


Groucho Marx

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My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX The world would not be in such a snarl,/ had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN Up there with my awards, I have a great big statue of Groucho Marx, just to put everything in perspe...
JOHN LITHGOW I was always a fan of Groucho Marx as a kid.
MICHAEL FELDMAN If my daughter had been in her right mind, she would never, ever have taken the kids with her that d...
CHUCK JONES If he had given away anything else, he would have been charged with indecent exposure.
EDMUND CAMPION The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
GROUCHO MARX I would have been willing to do anything for my father. I would have moved in with my father to look...
BRUCE PALTROW Had I not had children of my own, I would have never written books for children, nor would I have be...
ROALD DAHL My mother was in vaudeville, but after she had her children, she quit working.
DEAN STOCKWELL Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you
GROUCHO MARX Throughout my life, there are four people I've met who were truly original people. The other thr...
ALICE COOPER If I had been present at creation, I would have given some useful hints.
ALFONSO THE WISE They say you cannot love two people equally at once,” she said. “And perhaps for others that is ...
CASSANDRA CLARE I knew my own mother had been in the theater for a while and had taught children, because she used t...
EVE ARDEN I regret not having more children. I would have loved to have had a bigger family.
BARBARA WALTERS She loved big parties. I had a lot of buddies, and they always wanted to hang out at my house becaus...
DALE CHIHULY If I had followed my better judgment always, my life would have been a very dull one.
EDGAR RICE BURROUGHS Religion I have disposed of all my property to my family. There is one thing more I wish I could giv...
PATRICK HENRY If she had loved him, he would have opened windows, allowed all of that precious light of hers in sh...
AMANDA LANCE I wanted to see if she had any young children. Thank God she didn't. That would have made things tha...
BONNIE SCHWEGEL If I had known, I wouldn't have given them to him, even though he loved them.
DIANE YOMTOV I loved what I did. I remember cruel mothers who would pinch their children to make them cry in a sc...
SHIRLEY TEMPLE I have always heard wonderful things about Pauline. She loved, loved, loved daylilies and other plan...
KATHY MOSS If Pocahontas had been given the foresight to see what devastating consequences her actions and beli...
Q'ORIANKA KILCHER The thing I loved about her was that I never felt like she was selling anything. She would talk to G...
DONALD MILLER If I had one wish for my children, it would be that each of them would reach for goals that have mea...
LILLIAN CARTER I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generatio...
JOE ROGAN I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and gi...
JOE E. LEWIS If I didn't have him I would be gone, if I never had him would I have loved?
CRISTABEL MICHAELS IF YOU WOULD HAVE ALWAYS BEEN IN FRONT OF MY EYES, I WOULD HAVE NEVER GIVEN THEM A CHANCE TO BLINK
MARKHANDEYA But why didn't you leave? Why didn't you take my sister and go to New York?" she would say it didn't...
GLORIA STEINEM All the barriers were gone. I had unwound the string she had given me, and found my way out of the l...
DANIEL KEYES I remember my mother had this deck of cards that her mother had given her and that she passed on to ...
DAVID BLAINE Can you imagine what Nixon would have been like had somebody loved him? He would have been a great, ...
HENRY KISSINGER She would have been a very remarkable woman, if she had not been an old maid.
THOMAS NELSON PAGE My mother made me take piano lessons, and because I am her oldest and she had not yet been worn down...
SHERI L. DEW My mother was truly my saving grace, because she would take me to church with her. I would see my mo...
TYLER PERRY I certainly couldn't have written 'Angela's Ashes' when my mother was alive, because...
FRANK MCCOURT If I would make a song dedicated to any woman, it would have to be my mom because, you know, she'...
ACTION BRONSON She would not have done that to my mother. She and my mom were very close. She would have never left...
ANITA GATTIS If she had just gone home I think she would have been remembered importantly, but she didn't just go...
STEPHEN HESS I had already won three times as project director, so I told her if she was serious about this, she ...
DAWNA STONE I have never had anything done to my face because then you end up looking as they all do in America....
JOANNA LUMLEY If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate M...
DAWN FRENCH I started stem cells when I wanted to find a cure for my mother, who I loved very much, and western ...
PETER NYGARD I guess my religious faith sustained me more than anything else. Family is also very important. If I...
CORAZON AQUINO Why would she have done such a thing if she knew what she was doing. She never did anything else wro...
BILL SCHULTZ I never really thought anything would happen to my children. I never really thought my children woul...
ANNE NAVE If you have anything, or if I have anything, it's because it's been given to us by our Creat...
DAVID GREEN Sissy had two great failings. She was a great lover and a great mother. She had so much of tendernes...
BETTY SMITH If there had been leaves on the trees, I don't think she would have made it.
ANDREW THOMPSON Do not sit next to my mother when she is watching one of her children compete because you will have ...
DIANA LOPEZ She'd stolen my car.
She'd stolen my dog.
She'd stolen all my money.
But if she had o...
ANTHONY T. HINCKS I guess my religious faith sustained me more than anything else. Family is also very important. If I...
CORAZON AQUINO One of the great ironies is that I firmly believe that had it not been for the notoriety, had she ha...
JULIAN GARDNER Brian said the children have nothing. When you have nothing, anything you are given, they are so exc...
CAROL RAGAN She loved children. Loved animals. Loved being outdoors.
BOB PECK Is my mother my friend? I would have to say, first of all she is my Mother, with a capital 'M'; she'...
JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL I was clearly brought into the whole thing about acting by my mother. She loved the theater. She had...
NORMAN LLOYD The one thing I always knew about my mother was that she always loved me, ... And I give her tremend...
EARTHA KITT I told my kids I just want three words on my tombstone, if I have one. I'll probably be cremated. On...
MADALYN MURRAY O'HAIR Brie has personified St. Thomas soccer ever since she stepped on the field four years ago. She is a ...
GARY FINLEY I loved Duncan and I loved being his mother but I wasn't sure I was prepared to be only his mother. ...
JENNIFER BELLE If I have children I am going to make sure people don't ask them, "Are you going to be an actor?" My...
KATE BECKINSALE I have never been loved enough to gain the desire of reproducing a being in the image of my lover an...
RACHILDE Negativity sells. I have been labelled a rebel. If I had been one, would I have got married at 23? W...
SANIA MIRZA The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX You might have loved me, if you had known me. If you had ever known my mind. If you would have walke...
NEIL GAIMAN My own mother died when I was 10 years old. My folks have told me that what little humor I have come...
WILL ROGERS My mother has always been unhappy with what I do. She would rather I do something nicer, like be a b...
MICK JAGGER I saw my mother crying for the first time, which made a huge impression on me, when I came home from...
TIM KAINE I'd like my epitaph to read 'Given the amount of time she had, she did the best job she coul...
DAWN STEEL in all the years i had blundered along in search of my own footing, she had never given me an inklin...
GAIL CALDWELL Well, I think if I had married a different woman I would of had a very different life. She was my pa...
LEE KUAN YEW She loved all her children. If they were upset, she was upset about them. She would buy dolls for th...
ANNE BOYD My mother was a reporter, and though she quit when they had kids, she still loved it. She told me ab...
CANDACE CAMP My mother desperately wanted children. She had a child that was stillborn - something I learned when...
STANLEY HAUERWAS If one person would have had all this, that would have been trafficking quantities.
GEORGE KAJTSA If I moved back, my mother would love for me to move in because she absolutely loves her boys. 12 bo...
TERRY BRADSHAW Still... I would have hugged my mother if we were the kind of family who hugged. If touching her wer...
JERRY STAHL My peak? Would I even have one? I hardly had had anything you could call a life. A few ripples. some...
HARUKI MURAKAMI We grew up in a very strange world, because my mother was up against it all when she had three black...
JAYE DAVIDSON I would've loved to have children and I'm really good with kids, but I just didn't want ...
FRAZER HINES My mother married my father in 1956. She was twenty-eight, and he was thirty-one. She loved him with...
JILL LEPORE My mother had heard the story of Hannah and Samuel, so she prayed that if God would give her a son, ...
STANLEY HAUERWAS Had I never loved, I never would have been unhappy; but I turn to Him who can save, and if His wisdo...
MARK TWAIN [I] still had many years that I would have loved to spend with my mom...Our kids have never had the ...
JULIE FOGLESONG If a good mother is one who loves her child more than anyone else in the world, I am not a good moth...
AYELET WALDMAN My mother used to pitch to me and my father would shag balls. If I hit one up the middle close to my...
EDDIE MATHEWS If I had my druthers, we would have been finished with this months ago,
ALLEN WALKER I caught it, turned and shot all in one motion. If I had more time, I would have been able to get my...
ERIC FLATO If I truly loved him, she said, I would let him go.
I wish I loved him enough.
MICHELLE HODKIN We don't think Anna Nicole Smith will ever see any money. If Anna Nicole Smith had taken the six mil...
DAVID MARGULIES I would have given anything to keep her little. They outgrow us so much faster than we outgrow them....
JODI PICOULT Air punched out of my lungs. I held her tight, and I knew right then I would burn down the whole uni...
JENNIFER L. ARMENTROUT My mother told me once that she and my father agreed that I would not be brought up Jewish in Chicag...
WESLEY CLARK

More Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
GROUCHO MARX Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west ...
GROUCHO MARX I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about som...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day...
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
GROUCHO MARX Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and...
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
GROUCHO MARX How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How...
GROUCHO MARX I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
GROUCHO MARX I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
GROUCHO MARX Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
GROUCHO MARX Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
GROUCHO MARX What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna p...
GROUCHO MARX I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
GROUCHO MARX One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
GROUCHO MARX If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
GROUCHO MARX A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
GROUCHO MARX Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early ...
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make d...
GROUCHO MARX A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the w...
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and rea...
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words....
GROUCHO MARX Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
GROUCHO MARX Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
GROUCHO MARX I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
GROUCHO MARX I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
GROUCHO MARX A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I...
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX Humor is reason gone mad.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
GROUCHO MARX I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and app...
GROUCHO MARX I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX All geniuses die young.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he...
GROUCHO MARX I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every...
GROUCHO MARX We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her sta...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a ...
GROUCHO MARX She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
GROUCHO MARX I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
GROUCHO MARX I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and ...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is han...
GROUCHO MARX Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows ...
GROUCHO MARX Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day ...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long e...
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on t...
GROUCHO MARX I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Women should be obscene and not heard.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough
GROUCHO MARX I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure
GROUCHO MARX The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”
GROUCHO MARX Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you ...
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually te...
GROUCHO MARX Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price ...
GROUCHO MARX Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t...
GROUCHO MARX I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library ...
GROUCHO MARX You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX [When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in] The Country Girl, ... Dear Ju...
GROUCHO MARX I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
GROUCHO MARX Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
GROUCHO MARX A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...
GROUCHO MARX If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it...
GROUCHO MARX I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
GROUCHO MARX Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but ...
GROUCHO MARX Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX I'm giving you 30 days to live.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
GROUCHO MARX Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed
GROUCHO MARX A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
GROUCHO MARX And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
GROUCHO MARX Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
GROUCHO MARX Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
GROUCHO MARX A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Blood's not thicker than money
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
GROUCHO MARX The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stay...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I...
GROUCHO MARX I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
GROUCHO MARX I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. Wh...
GROUCHO MARX Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I'll never ...
GROUCHO MARX