My husband's a pediatrician, so he and I talk about parenting all the time. You can't raise children who have more shame resilience than you do.

You cannot talk about race without talking about privilege. And when people start talking about privilege, they get paralyzed by shame.

Ironically, parenting is a shame and judgment minefield precisely because most of us are wading through uncertainty and self-doubt when it comes to raising our children.

We judge people in areas where we're vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we're doing.

Kids who have an understanding of how and why their feelings are what they are are much more likely to talk to us about what's happening, and they have better skills to work it out.

I've learned a lot since I was a new mother. My approach to struggle and shame now is to talk to yourself like you'd talk to someone you love and reach out to tell your story.