My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.