Michael Ian Black
Related MIKE YACONELLI RIDLEY SCOTT I don't think you should try to be anything you're not. If you're not smiling all the ti... ELLE FANNING JASON DAY SELENA GOMEZ The thing I find really scary about ghosts and demons is that you don't really know what they ar... OREN PELI When you're a guest star on a movie or a TV show, I always say it's like being invited to a ... ATO ESSANDOH I try to tell a story that's good enough to win the right to integrate eternal themes into it. I... RANDY ALCORN SRIKUMAR RAO I can tell you that you will have your hearts broken more by the people you love than by the people ... MARGARET PETERSON HADDIX I'm scared of horses, and I don't know how to shoot them, but that's what excites me. Af... ALEJANDRO GONZALEZ INARRITU JOHN GREENLEAF WHITTIER SUFJAN STEVENS You know, I don't watch television! Sorry! I actually don't even have a television. I don... BROOKE SMITH When you're young, you don't know what you don't know, so it's easier to get into th... GREG RUSEDSKI When you don't know that you don't know, it's a lot different than when you do know that... BILL PARCELLS Don't believe that winning is really everything. It's more important to stand for something.... LANE KIRKLAND JERRY DOYLE I think to this day, 'Superman/Wonder Woman' is probably one of the trickiest things I'v... CHARLES SOULE I don't really like the sound of Auto-Tune. I don't like when it's extremely audible, wh... T.I. DANICA PATRICK KATARINA WITT You know, last season I didn't do anything on the show, so I was frustrated. I mean, don't g... LORRAINE BRACCO VALERIE BERTINELLI BECK You can't do anything to help your team win when you don't play. FREDDY ADU A lot of reality shows tend to harp on the negative. The person isn't pretty enough or can't... BRUCE NASH When you realize that life isn't fair, you don't act out, you don't get overly wasted, y... DAVID HASSELHOFF BARTON GELLMAN INDRA NOOYI I realised that if you get yourself labeled as the funny one, people don't look any further. I&#... CATHERINE TATE LYNDON B. JOHNSON ANATOLE FRANCE RAINI RODRIGUEZ JULIA ROBERTS ALAN ARKIN DMX I don't want closure, I don't know what that means or why you would want it. MELVYN BRAGG I think it's very insulting to say, 'White people don't understand.' What are you ta... KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE BO BURNHAM The camera or the microphone in the booth is merciless. If you don't believe what you're say... RIZ AHMED KELLY ROWLAND HALLE BERRY JANIS JOPLIN MORRISSEY NANCY REAGAN TRACEE ELLIS ROSS JAMES CORDEN I know I'm good enough. I don't need to show it to you. Either you know who I am, or you don... ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC BEN SHAPIRO Are you taking us to the beach?" - Dan Cahill JUDE WATSON Let's head out to the ruins." - Dan Cahill ROLAND SMITH ETHAN COEN Hearing 'no' a lot of times usually tells you either you're crazy or you're on the r... MIKE KRIEGER Don't write anything you can phone. Don't phone anything you can talk. Don't talk anythi... EARL LONG FRANK DILLANE If you don't have good horses, it's very tough to win. FACUNDO PIERES Most 'reality' shows aren't reality at all. They're game shows with no prize. Like &... HAL SPARKS FLOYD MAYWEATHER, JR. When you're happy you don't always have to be laughing, and when you're sad you don'... FREDDIE HIGHMORE DONALD TRUMP So I don't really have much rivalry, or if there is any, I don't really know anything about ... EMILY BLUNT STEVE JOBS GARY ZUKAV TAYLOR KITSCH I don't think comedy is necessarily an attack. It's finding humour in life. I don't thin... DAVID WALLIAMS Putting on a movie is like going to war - for me, at least. It's all about time; time is money, ... LEE DANIELS ARVIND GUPTA I've learned that you don't need a lot in life. If it can't fit into a suitcase, you don... JOYCE DIDONATO Normally, most writers don't say, 'I'm going into a mild hypnotic trance.' Typically... MADISON SMARTT BELL In life, you have to take the pace that love goes. You don't force it. You just don't force ... JUAN PABLO GALAVIS Life is like a trumpet - if you don't put anything into it, you don't get anything out of it... WILLIAM CHRISTOPHER HANDY KARL PILKINGTON If you don't ponder the end of the world on a regular basis, I don't think you're really... EDAN LEPUCKI What's funny about the slacker thing, people project an image of what they think a musician is: ... COURTNEY BARNETT ANNIE PARISSE ROSALYNN CARTER DEAN KAMEN BRAD PAISLEY FELIX DENNIS PATRICK MACNEE BEN STILLER I don't develop anything. I don't practice, I don't rehearse. I just go out there, and i... TORY LANEZ JAY-Z I became super claustrophobic with Hollywood. I don't like Hollywood. I don't like what it r... BRODY JENNER I don't play golf or tennis, I don't ski, I don't snowboard. If you love what you do, yo... FRANKIE VALLI I love how, when you're a teenager, you're really opinionated, you're really right, you ... MAGGIE CAREY RACHEL DRATCH I think it's important to keep things positive. Sometimes you don't win, and that sucks, and... ALEX MORGAN KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR I don't set out to win awards. I don't think any musician does, but when you receive an awar... WADADA LEO SMITH MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY LEONARD NIMOY Politics is about winning. If you don't win, you don't get to put your principles into pract... DAVID HOROWITZ If the news isn't there, don't create it. If I look at local news, I don't know what'... WILLIE HERENTON BARRY BONDS PATRICK LEAHY I don't know if Wimbledon's seen anything like it. I don't know if they will again. But ... PATRICK RAFTER ARIANA GRANDE CAITLYN JENNER
More Michael Ian Black
The thing that I think is the most important is taking moments to express your appreciation to your ... MICHAEL IAN BLACK Wish I could, through my own financial prestidigitation, transform a dollar bill into two, or two mi... MICHAEL IAN BLACK My first real break was when my college sketch troupe, The State, was asked to contribute pieces for... MICHAEL IAN BLACK I actually don't know anyone who wants to be famous for fame's sake, at least not anyone I r... MICHAEL IAN BLACK I take it for what it is, and sometimes the criticism is actually useful and constructive and actual... MICHAEL IAN BLACK I don't think I was awake for much of my childhood. I did a lot of napping. This might have been... MICHAEL IAN BLACK Well, I think my stand-up is often kind of visual. Not like Carrot Top visual, but visual. MICHAEL IAN BLACK If you get an idea, you might as well stick with it until somebody calls you on it. MICHAEL IAN BLACK People recognize me, but they don't know where from. Today I was in the elevator and somebody as... MICHAEL IAN BLACK I am not a music snob. If anything, my musical taste is bad by any critical standards. MICHAEL IAN BLACK Everybody has something they love to do. Do that thing. MICHAEL IAN BLACK At this point, I feel fairly comfortable in terms of performance. I think having a sketch background... MICHAEL IAN BLACK Best strategy for a first date is to ask her questions. Just keeping asking her questions about hers... MICHAEL IAN BLACK There is no word for feeling nostalgic about the future, but that's what a parent's tears of... MICHAEL IAN BLACK Separation is the worst. There's no good way to deal with it, other than to get on the phone and... MICHAEL IAN BLACK I don't watch that much comedy. I think it's professional jealousy. That and a lack of suppo... MICHAEL IAN BLACK I honestly believe you can never tell if a relationship is going to last. In my own marriage, which ... MICHAEL IAN BLACK Nothing is more satisfying to me than sitting in a dank room, hunched over a single flickering candl... MICHAEL IAN BLACK Lordy, lordy, lordy do I love money. It is a character flaw, no doubt, one that springs from a panic... MICHAEL IAN BLACK I am a poker player, but I am not a good poker player. My favorite game is seven card stud, but I... MICHAEL IAN BLACK Your harshest critic is always going to be yourself. Don't ignore that critic but don't give... MICHAEL IAN BLACK All the work that I do, whether or not it ends up being commercially successful or not, feels like t... MICHAEL IAN BLACK I loved 'Dungeons & Dragons.' Actually, not so much the actual playing as the creation o... MICHAEL IAN BLACK My tastes in all things lean towards the arty and boring. I like sports documentaries about Scrabble... MICHAEL IAN BLACK My absolute favorite growing up was 'Super Friends.' The assemblage of so many mighty heroes... MICHAEL IAN BLACK I think people hate me pretty much across the board, which is nice. I mean, it's a pretty evenha... MICHAEL IAN BLACK I feel like my career has been a series of glowing obituaries. MICHAEL IAN BLACK That's what you're supposed to do in real estate. It's a classic example of buying low and selling h... IAN BLACK Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really ki... LEWIS BLACK KAREN BLACK KAREN BLACK KAREN BLACK KAREN BLACK KAREN BLACK KAREN BLACK KAREN BLACK KAREN BLACK KAREN BLACK KAREN BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK CILLA BLACK CONRAD BLACK HOLLY BLACK My father, a mining engineer and colliery manager, gave his brood many advantages, not least of whic... JAMES BLACK What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things thro... LEWIS BLACK Whenever I tour my district and I ask small businesspeople 'what can I do to help?,' they te... DIANE BLACK I drive a lot. Just for pleasure. Sometimes I'll get in the Cadillac and drive around the city o... FRANK BLACK In addition to being a nurse, I'm also a small business owner and I taught at a local community ... DIANE BLACK We're here tonight to remember one of the heroes of the Scottish culture, ... Cmdr. Montgomery Scott... ALAN BLACK We rebounded really well and rebounding is the key if you are going to run, ALAN BLACK He made me the man I am today: proud of being Scottish, proud to be the fixer, proud to save the cap... ALAN BLACK Just because Scotty never got the girl, it did not mean he couldn't get a girlfriend, ... He was jus... ALAN BLACK This is definitely a reality check for us, we've just got to learn from this and move on. ALAN BLACK He is up there with the greatest the competition has seen. He is all over people with great foot spe... ALAN BLACK He was a little down afterwards, ALAN BLACK It was a very tough region, very tough competition and a very good golf course. ALAN BLACK This is great, this is a step in the right direction, but as we all know in every other sport, distr... ALAN BLACK It feels real good to see the kids do what they've done this season. They went undefeated (11-0 in t... ALAN BLACK Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it'... LEWIS BLACK REBECCA BLACK HOLLY BLACK The real enemy" is the totality of physical and mental constraints by which capital, or class societ... BOB BLACK You are what you do. If you do boring, stupid monotonous work, chances are you'll end up boring, stu... BOB BLACK BLACK ELK If you're going to exude naivete, you can't really... walk out there like it's a Sting s... FRANK BLACK BLACK ELK I read French much better than I speak. CARA BLACK One of my assets is my fitness. My fitness around the net and my movement: that's my defense to ... CARA BLACK Sport's always a good thing - it's healthy, and it takes your mind off other things. CARA BLACK What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you... LEWIS BLACK HOLLY BLACK HOLLY BLACK HOLLY BLACK HOLLY BLACK HOLLY BLACK Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in th... LEWIS BLACK HOLLY BLACK HOLLY BLACK HOLLY BLACK HUGO BLACK DIANA BLACK A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up a... LEWIS BLACK HOLLY BLACK HOLLY BLACK Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. Go... LEWIS BLACK I once rode a motorcycle across Tunisia, Algeria and Morocco! CARA BLACK CILLA BLACK HOLLY BLACK In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kenned... LEWIS BLACK I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane b... LEWIS BLACK SHANE BLACK SHANE BLACK CILLA BLACK CONRAD BLACK HUGO BLACK BLACK ELK BLACK ELK When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. Yo... LEWIS BLACK CILLA BLACK HUGO BLACK I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that c... LEWIS BLACK KAREN BLACK REBECCA BLACK BLACK ELK JACK BLACK JACK BLACK HOLLY BLACK If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. LEWIS BLACK Misogynist is a word used by women about men who are able to describe women directly and accurately ... ROBERT BLACK HOLLY BLACK I once thought that I was the only man that persevered to be the friend of the white man, but since ... BLACK KETTLE When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. LEWIS BLACK HOLLY BLACK We sent Lifeline of Ohio a photograph of Bill a few years ago. But we had never been able to see the... BILL BLACK The final package is not yet decided. Neither of these institutions is out of cash. As we get to the... BILL BLACK The biggest stumbling block is that the owner's identity is tied to the company. A lot of our work i... BILL BLACK We're replacing two vans about 10 years old and (with) a ton of mileage, and one or the other has be... BILL BLACK If you had a one person, one vote situation and if a Metro candidate was to win, there's a real risk... BILL BLACK From a pure economic standpoint, I understand that this is a worldwide economic matter, but that sho... BILL BLACK From a pure economic standpoint, I understand that this is a worldwide economic matter, but that sho... BILL BLACK A special session may be premature, ... Do we have enough votes to do some of this? Is the governor ... BILL BLACK They need to perform at a higher level than their competitors. They need to solidify and diversify t... BILL BLACK Five years ago, he would have sold in a minute. Now selling is just one option. BILL BLACK CILLA BLACK It's likely these new-to-wireless people might be lower income, and pre-paid might actually be perfe... ANDREW BLACK There's an awful lot of people that still haven't gotten into the category and we ask ourselves the ... ANDREW BLACK There was a lot of really useful stuff here. I'm planning on coming back next year. ANDREW BLACK It appears that due to the sound and the noise, (the co-pilot) was unable to understand what the pas... ANDREW BLACK We've ruled out foul play on behalf of any of the passengers. We're looking at it strictly as a poss... ANDREW BLACK It's been slightly busier, and it was busy yesterday but nothing exceptional. ANDREW BLACK I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the ... LEWIS BLACK HOLLY BLACK HOLLY BLACK All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew. LEWIS BLACK If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing ... LEWIS BLACK HOLLY BLACK Curiosity could be almost as powerful as desire. SHAYLA BLACK I want you to give all these chiefs of the soldiers here to understand that we are for peace, and th... BLACK KETTLE HOLLY BLACK If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached ... LEWIS BLACK BLACK ELK HOLLY BLACK No matter what we're trying to accomplish in life, or what career path we're trying to take,... LUCAS BLACK Because they could not determine when they were going to be clear to land, it made no sense to conti... ANTHONY BLACK I would attribute it back to a lack of strong demand. ANTHONY BLACK From a Salt Lake standpoint right now, you guys have gotten a number of new flights over the past ca... ANTHONY BLACK Delta has identified Orlando International Airport as an airport where we lease more space than is n... ANTHONY BLACK Acts of God. That doesn't mean they won't, but they're not required to. ANTHONY BLACK There will be no non-stop service to Cincinnati from Montgomery. ANTHONY BLACK We should be back to normal operations from a Katrina standpoint sometime Thursday. ANTHONY BLACK While Delta remains open to reaching consensual agreements to achieve its necessary pilot cost reduc... ANTHONY BLACK It's part of our overall efforts to restructure our costs and to get them in line with our operation... ANTHONY BLACK The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn i... LEWIS BLACK It's still too early to be able to say when he's going to be back playing. ALEX BLACK We've had quite a few discover the wonderful reality to why shaving helps so much. It not just for t... ALEX BLACK He is not letting the situation get him down and he is already determined to get back on the pitch a... ALEX BLACK I think Alan just wants to say that the treatment from Liverpool and all the Manchester United staff... ALEX BLACK Alan said when you look down and see your foot in that sort of condition your priorities suddenly go... ALEX BLACK BLACK ELK It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursui... LEWIS BLACK CILLA BLACK I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. LEWIS BLACK CONRAD BLACK REBECCA BLACK Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a ho... LEWIS BLACK CILLA BLACK CILLA BLACK CILLA BLACK You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. LEWIS BLACK HOLLY BLACK HUGO BLACK I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and th... LEWIS BLACK Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. LEWIS BLACK People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. LEWIS BLACK One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'... LEWIS BLACK JACK BLACK Men are dark animals. Women are the same. But if the females wish to survive, they need to mate with... ROBERT BLACK I'm fairly certain that YOLO is just Carpe Diem for stupid people. JACK BLACK Big don't mean ugly, and thin sho don't mean pretty. If a person wants to be pretty, they gotta walk... DANIEL BLACK
Boldness isn't something you're born with; you either choose it or you don't. 
Life isn't black and white. It's a million gray areas, don't you find? 
I think everyone expects if you're in the lead, or if you're a favourite to win, you will wi... 
I don't like the whole off-and-on thing. I don't like 'taking a break.' Either you&#... 
I don't believe that you have a work life and a home life. I believe that you have one life, and... 
You don't always win your battles, but it's good to know you fought. 
You know, I don't think my music is important, I don't think it's changing the world, I ... 
If you're not having fun - I don't care what you're doing - don't do it. Move on. Fi... 
When you are not missing something, longing for something, you don't really think about it that ... 
I can't say, 'It doesn't matter if you win or lose.' It's not true. You go in to... 
Divorce isn't the child's fault. Don't say anything unkind about your ex to the child, b... 
Every time you go in, it's like starting over. You don't know how you did the other records.... 
Privacy is relational. It depends on the audience. You don't want your employer to know you'... 
At the end of the day, don't forget that you're a person, don't forget you're a moth... 
What convinces is conviction. Believe in the argument you're advancing. If you don't you'... 
An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's be... 
Sometimes it's easy to see the negative side of things or question why people bully you. You cou... 
It's funny when people say, 'I don't think Julia likes me.' Honey, if I don't li... 
If you're playing a negative character, sooner or later it rubs off on you. Some people don'... 
Anything that's not positive, I don't have the energy to focus on it. Anything that's no... 
I think it would collapse my heart if I was super famous. I don't have the nerve for it, I'm... 
If you don't know your worth, if you don't know your value, if you don't know how fantab... 
I'm not one of these actresses like, 'Okay, where's the camera? Is it here? Is it here?&... 
Playing is just about feeling. Playing isn't necessarily about misery. Playing isn't necessa... 
Age shouldn't affect you. It's just like the size of your shoes - they don't determine h... 
When people say, 'You have Alzheimer's,' you have no idea what Alzheimer's is. You k... 
I've heard people say, 'Why do you have to do a show that's called 'Black Girls Rock... 
I don't consider myself to be incredibly confident, or really lacking in confidence. When you... 
The Muslim world just doesn't believe that skin color is all that important. Obama may be half-b... 
There aren't reasons why you like this song or this piece of music, or don't like it. It'... 
I'm sure there will come a time when I won't be able to, you know, walk around so easy somet... 
Don't ever know who you may meet, or just because a person may not be dressed up all fancy, don&... 
A lot of people don't like to win. They actually don't know how to win, and they don't l... 
It's hard to tell with these Internet startups if they're really interested in building comp... 
Authentic power is the real deal. You can't inherit it, buy it, or win it. You also can't lo... 
When I'm not acting, I try to be normal, play golf, play hockey. It's funny because you'... 
A lot of people said this was impossible. 'You can't build biotech for $50,000. You can'... 
I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you? 
Psychopaths are actually, really, really, really rare in our culture, are people who don't... Or... 
You must accept that you might fail; then, if you do your best and still don't win, at least you... 
I would argue that education, actual learning - it is hard work. It's very personal. Your parent... 
When you discuss racism, it's almost a no-win scenario - but I don't think that means we sho... 
You have to persuade yourself that you absolutely don't care what happens. If you don't care... 
I'm not afraid of death. What's to fear? Once you're dead, that's it. Nothing. I don... 
I don't think know if anything's going to translate anywhere. You're making a movie, you... 
The burden of poverty isn't just that you don't always have the things you need, it's th... 
When you're starting up a show, you don't really know what direction it's going to go. 
You can't win if you don't play as a unit. 
I don't dabble and spend much mind or time dealing with, I don't know, people's percepti... 
You know, for a long time I have been of the opinion that artists don't necessarily know what th... 
It's called talent. I just have it. I can't explain it. You either have it or you don't. 
Stealing is stealing. I don't care if it's on the Internet or you're breaking into a war... 
Don't ever doubt yourselves or waste a second of your life. It's too short, and you're t... 
I learned that the only way you are going to get anywhere in life is to work hard at it. Whether you... 
There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 
I love coloring books. I keep some by my bed. 
I've been invited to do a trio with a fantastic jazz guitarist and a harmonica player. 
Back in the '70s, like one of my favorite movies ever was 'The Bad News Bears', and that... 
I think of myself as an entertainment arsenal. Like I have my acting bazooka and my music machete. A... 
The movie Spinal Tap rocked my world. It's for rock what The Sound of Music was for hills. They ... 
My idea of baking is buying a ready-make cake mix and throwing in an egg. 
All emphasis in American prisons is on punishment, retribution, and disparagement, and almost none i... 
I really love the idea of the poetically mad - the character that is imbued with the romantic madnes... 
To me I'm just a regular person going to the mall with friends, and now I'm in Forever 21 an... 
Clever as the Devil and twice as pretty. 
The first peace, which is the most important, is that which comes within the souls of people when th... 
I need you to be happy. I need one of us to be happy. 
It is the paradox of life that the way to miss pleasure is to seek it first. The very first conditio... 
Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space. 
Any time anyone fires bullets in an action movie that don't hit the target it immediately underm... 
An action film can have too much action; picture an equaliser on a stereo, with all the knobs pegged... 
I never ask for mercy and seek no one's sympathy. 
When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his ad... 
The soldiers did go away and their towns were torn down; and in the Moon of Falling Leaves (November... 
And I say the sacred hoop of my people was one of the many hoops that made one circle, wide as dayli... 
It's hard to watch your life unfold, and sad. Life changes. 
I was one of those little girls who practiced signing autographs since I was 5 years old. 
I'm apolitical. Where all that Conservative business came along from, I don't know. 
The Founding Fathers gave the free press the protection it must have to bare the secrets of governme... 