Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

“So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?”

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a schizophrenic,
and so am I.

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.