Life is like the stock market. Some days you're up. Some days you're down. And some days you feel like something the bull left behind.

and don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space, because that's exactly how much difference there is

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

Every single act of love, hate, or lapse of judgment may be the defining moment in a person's life.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.