I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.