If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, why, then, Peter would declare himself eleven. Also, he could spit the farthest. That made him the undisputed leader.


Dave Barry

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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
DAVE BARRY
And Ted Koppel comes walking down the aisle. We'd met a few times, so we said hello.
DAVE BARRY
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."
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There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
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1996 also saw a huge expansion of the Internet, with many major corporations, afraid of being left b...
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Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on you...
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In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went...
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Sir,” James asked, “what are we going to do?”
“We’re going to look for water,” said...
DAVE BARRY
Seriously? You won’t help me?”
“Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.
DAVE BARRY
If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, ...
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Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably...
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If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you wo...
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It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This...
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Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religi...
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
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Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.
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I gotta tell you, ... It's pretty crazy when you think about taking whatever's on the other end of t...
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It was by far just a one-girl show. She led every offensive and defensive category for Bishop Kearne...
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one of South Florida's most vital natural resources, a relentlessly sane voice in a howling hurrican...
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drink beer. But that's kind of my goal pretty much wherever I go.
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I'm very pleased that we made the top four. But I feel that we could have had a stronger showing.
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I've been asked to make an announcement, ... There is a non-luxury car in the parking lot. We've bee...
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The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.
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We've actually gotten better musically over the years, ... But we've come to realize that we will ne...
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Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
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Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art...
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I find myself having these conversations where I go...“You know, the guy, in that place. The guy i...
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Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones...
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Ridley is a tea drinker.
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It's a concept I've often thought of.
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You get people from all walks of life here -- who work in domestic service.
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I believe that's one of the finest action regurgitation scenes in the history of literature, ... I'd...
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We became pretty sensitive about it. We visited Great Ormond Street Hospital when we were in England...
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What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge ham...
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I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
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Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuc...
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Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger...
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will ...
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The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable ent...
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Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant d...
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I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including:* Both of your socks sh...
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Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look...
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There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his ...
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The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winte...
DAVE BARRY
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
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