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If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?


George Carlin

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No man really knows how to live if he did, he would never die.
VIKRANT PARSAI What does he say?' he asked.
'He’s very sad,’ Úrsula answered, ‘because he thinks that y...
GABRIEL GARCíA MáRQUEZ And George Carlin was a guy that the more he aged the younger he seemed.
KEVIN SMITH Everyone knows how to talk, and no one knows what to say.
NICK HORNBY I listened to George Carlin when I was a kid and knew every word of his routines.
SEAN HAYES A person doesn't die when he should but when he can.
GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ There is a part of us that knows the timing of any relationship. It knows things that we cannot work...
DONNA GODDARD Never judge a person how he died, but how he lived.
RUDOLF JEROME RAGAY Terminal career;Is a career type that can never last one a life time,for it will die prematurely,as ...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) No one person knows much more about writing than another. I expect that when people think they know ...
WILLA SIBERT CATHER When you see a person acting violently, ask yourself whether he knows how powerful he is. If he knew...
VIRONIKA TUGALEVA George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular com...
DREW CAREY The reason behind a person's conversion is between him and God. No one knows what is in the heart. S...
DATUK MOHD NAKHAIE AHMAD A smart person knows how to talk. A wise person knows when to be silent.
ROY T. BENNETT When we die our deeds shall be left for humanity to judge & our flesh shall become dust for humanity...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) I've always thought George Carlin was brilliant.
VICKI LAWRENCE We all want to be in love and find that person who is going to love us no matter how our feet smell,...
WILL SMITH The seven words George Carlin said you couldn’t say on TV or radio (“fuck,” “piss,” “shi...
MARY NORRIS I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give ...
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone knows they re going to die,' he said again, 'but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do...
MITCH ALBOM A man who knows how little he knows is well, a man who knows how much he knows is sick. If, when you...
LAO TZU I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT Life's Irony;"If only observing 30minutes meditation daily can help procure long life,many will stil...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.
STEPHEN COLBERT I should’ve died with my parents… than live in this world,” I say, my voice is faint
He a...
ALYANNA MALLARI Last words are always harder to remember when no one knows that someone's about to die.
JOHN GREEN I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin.
STEVE BUSCEMI Life's irony;If reading 50 books can procure long life,then the majority of humans will rather die p...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old....
RON WHITE A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.
HELEN ROWLAND We don't feel bad [for him], because we know what kind of person he's still going to be in the futur...
ED PINCKNEY If any community knows how to help someone going through a flood it is this one.
DAVE ARCHER No doubt George Carlin has been able to stay on top all these years because of his edge. He's always...
DANA HOUSE I know he would die if you died, Luce
LAUREN KATE He can best avoid a snare who knows how to set one
PUBLILIUS SYRUS If it happened once, it can happen again. But no one knows when.
ROCCO BALDELLI People basically and particularly [physically fit young males] are highly likely to become infected ...
GREG POLAND No one knows like a woman how to say things which are at once gentle and deep
VICTOR HUGO He knew one thing only, and it was beyond fear or reason: He was not going to die crouching here lik...
J.K. ROWLING No one rises so high as he who knows not whither he is going.
OLIVER CROMWELL He who knows little knows enough if he knows how to hold is tongue.
ITALIAN PROVERB There was no hope . . . no help to be had. And as he heard Voldemort draw nearer still, he knew o...
J.K. ROWLING Tell him,' the colonel said, smiling, 'that a person doesn’t die when he should but when he can.
GABRIEL GARCíA MáRQUEZ It shows no-one knows how fast a man can run
ASAFA POWELL A smart person knows what to say, a wise person knows whether or not to say it.
SOURCE UNKNOWN A wise person is the one who knows what he knows and what he does not know.
MOHITH AGADI One thing I can say about George... he may not be able to keep a job, but he's not boring.
BARBARA BUSH If George remained healthy we would have stayed in our house until we died. But he is the one who fi...
GAIL BIRD One thing I can say about George... he may not be able to keep a job, but he's not boring.
BARBARA BUSH Who really knows, and who can swear,
How creation came, when or where!
Even gods came afte...
RIG VEDA If it gets to the point where he says 'I want to die' and his parents say no, then we have a conflic...
TOM WILNER When one does what is within his control, he knows his only weakness ; but when he does beyond his c...
ANUJ SOMANY He who is afraid to die, has already died.
VIKRANT PARSAI But the things is, you see, that two people can never actually become one no matter how close they a...
MARY BALOGH The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freew...
BOB MOOREHEAD You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do......
GEORGE CARLIN Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.
GERMAINE DE STAëL Some say he died. Codswallop, in my opinion. Dunno if he had enough human left in him to die. Some s...
J.K. ROWLING No one knows what he can do till he tries.
SYRUS (PUBLILIUS SYRUS) No one knows what he can do till he tries.
PUBLILIUS SYRUS No one knows what he can do until he tries.
PUBLILIUS SYRUS No one knows what he can do till he tries
PUBLILIUS SYRUS Daniel Bryan, as a person, I think he is a good guy; I don't know him on a personal note well en...
ROMAN REIGNS For Africa to me... is more than a glamorous fact. It is a historical truth. No man can know where h...
MAYA ANGELOU When a person is destined to get something, no one can take it away & s/he is going to get it anyway...
ANUJ SOMANY The word no Carries a lot more meaning when spoken by a parent who also knows how to say yes.
JOYCE MAYNARD If I die prematurely I shall be saved from being bored to death at my own success.
SAMUEL BUTLER Now I see that if one doesn’t know how to die, one can hardly know how to live—because death is ...
THICH NHAT HANH No matter how rich a person may be, he is poor to somebody & no matter how poor a person may be, he ...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) A really busy person never knows how much he weighs
EDGAR WATSON HOWE You don't get to choose how you're going to die, or when. You can decide how you're going to live no...
JOAN BAEZ You don't go at it and say, 'Who is going to be Levi this year?' We don't have one person that can r...
SAM ANDERSON No one knows how it is that with one glance a boy can break through into a girl's heart.
NANCY THAYER A person is not ready to know if he knows that you know it.
VIKRANT PARSAI You don't get to choose how you are going to die or when. You can only decide how you're going to li...
JOAN BAEZ The aim now is the World Cup and we've got a hard draw but it's a great opportunity, ... I was down ...
CRAIG WRIGHT What is love? Love is when one person knows all of your secrets... your deepest, darkest, most dread...
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN What is love? Love is when one person knows all of your secrets... your deepest, darkest, most dread...
SAM KEEN If God, as some now say, is dead, He no doubt died of trying to find an equitable solution to the Ar...
I. F. STONE We have to abandon the idea that schooling is something restricted to youth. How can it be, in a wor...
ARTHUR C. CLARKE But what is the good of friendship if one cannot say exactly what one means? Anybody can say charmin...
OSCAR WILDE No one will die because of bad acting. No one will die because you missed a cue. We're all human...
KATE BALDWIN They say Einstein died while he was still trying to figure out gravity. I think I'm going to die...
TOM DELONGE George Bush made a mistake when he referred to the Saddam Hussein regime as 'evil.' Every li...
CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS George Clooney is a super-human, he's just such an amazing human being, he taught me how to be a...
SHAILENE WOODLEY My dad is going to give the signatures to the person who owns Miami so he can see how many we have a...
JACOB SOLKOFF No one knows where he who invented the plow was born, nor where he died; yet he has done more for hu...
CHARLES CALEB COLTON When you lose a loved one, you come to these crossroads. You can take the path that leads you down t...
BINDI IRWIN You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to li...
JOAN BAEZ All I really want is one outside opinion. They say, "He who has two watches never knows what time it...
RICHARD PRICE We have to abandon the idea that schooling is something restricted to youth. How can it be, in a wor...
ARTHUR C. CLARKE Kate is going to die. It took me a long time to be able to say that. We all are going to die, when y...
JODI PICOULT The reality is no one really knows when the foliage peak is,
CHRIS WEEKS I don't think you guys realize sometimes how connected we really are in that locker room. We are a f...
AL HARRINGTON No matter how irresponsible a person acts towards many, he may still act responsibly towards one per...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) No one knows better than a sister how we grew up, and who our friends, teachers and favorite toys we...
DALE V. ATKINS When a man plays with your heart it is for one of two reasons: He knows he can or he is undecided.
SHANNON L. ALDER It is not going to be a stranger or some sinister person who offers it. It is going to be your best ...
JOHN WALTERS If we wipe out the fish, the oceans are going to die. If the oceans die, we die. We can't live o...
PAUL WATSON The person who receives the most favors is the one who knows how to return them.
PUBLILIUS SYRUS

More George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN