If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

If variety if the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam

We're more effective than birth control pills.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.