If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin

Because Building Choose Down Elevator Escalator Fell Half Hour Move One Time Over Riding Stairs Time Tripped Up

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Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

— Demetri Martin

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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

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I have a two-story house and a bad memory, so I'm up and down those stairs all the time. That's my exercise.

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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

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