If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- I've got to have them.

When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

When asked if Ken believed in safe sex his answer came: 'Of course I do; I have an Iron Bar around the bed!

I know how he feels, missus.

He must have come to about six shows and even watched a couple of them, and I have to say the finished image is just how I want to be remembered. I want people to remember me as a working comedian.