If I ever go onstage at the Oscars, you can guarantee I'll be wearing my motorcycle boots.

Our minds are big enough to contemplate the cosmos but small enough to care about who wins an Oscar

You go into any doughnut shop and look at three cops having coffee, I guarantee I look like one of them.

Where do you go to get anorexia?

If I see one more forensics show, I'm gonna throw up.

When there's not ten feet of snow on the ground, I ride my bike down the streets of New York, and I literally hear two things out of car windows as cabs pass by me: They either yell, 'Hey, dummy,' or 'Hey, Mayhem.'