If a square peg doesn’t fit a round hole, neither the peg nor the hole is to blame. Between two people, the question "whose fault is it?" is the friend of argumentation and the destroyer of growth-oriented communication. Assigning blame involves listening to criticize and responding to defend, speaking to lower the other person rather than speaking to build each up. Relational progress is impossible as long as blame is the focus because blame and progress are enemies. In our litigation-hungry society we must take care that focusing on fault - which is proper for the courtroom - doesn’t carry over into interpersonal relationships. The heart of loving communication is listening to understand.

Jeffrey Bryant