If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick.


Mark Twain

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The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
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It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
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The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
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The lack of money is the root of all evil.
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
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Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.
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Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
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Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.
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Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
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There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
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Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
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Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
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The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
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I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
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The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
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All generalizations are false, including this one.
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'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.
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The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a ba...
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The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
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Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
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I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
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Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
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If I owned half of that dog, I would shoot my half.
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When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victorymu...
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The teacher reminded us that Romes liberties were not auctioned off in a day, but were bought slowly...
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By his father he is English, by his mother he is Americanto my mind the blend which makes the perfec...
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So I became a newspaperman. I hated to do it but I couldnt find honest employment.
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The people of those foreign countries are very, very ignorant. They looked curiously at the costumes...
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We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in itand stop there; lest w...
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The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large mattertis the diff...
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Say the report is exaggerated.
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A jay hasnt got any more principle than a Congressman. A jay will lie, a jay will steal, a jay will ...
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To my mind Judas Iscariot was nothing but a low, mean, premature Congressman.
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I think I can say, and say with pride, that we have some legislatures that bring higher prices than ...
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A myriad of men are born; they labor and sweat and struggle; ...they squabble and scold and fight; t...
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Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the st...
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Annihilation has no terrors for me, because I have already tried it before I was born --a hundred mi...
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Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to...
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We never become really and genuinely our entire and honest selves until we are dead -- and not then ...
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Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
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All say, How hard it is that we have to die -- a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people...
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Write without pay until somebody offers to pay you. If nobody offers within three years, sawing wood...
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As to the adjective, when in doubt strike it out.
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When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
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All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
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To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand ...
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Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
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It is a mistake that there is no bath that will cure people's manners, but drowning would help.
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Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
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To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.
MARK TWAIN
Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known and I know the rest.
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There are German songs which can make a stranger to the language cry.
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Necessity is the mother of "taking chances"
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Distance lends enchantment to the view
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Be good and you will be lonesome.
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Chastity - you can carry it too far
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To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler--and less trouble.
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Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
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When you cannot get a compliment in any other way pay yourself one.
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Never learn to do anything. If you don't learn, you will always find someone else to do it for you.
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I can't do literary work for the rest of this year because I'm meditating another lawsuit and lookin...
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Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would...
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Wit and Humor -- if any difference, it is in duration -- lightning and electric light. Same material...
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Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no...
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There is a great deal of human nature in people.
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If man had created man, he would be ashamed of his performance.
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There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
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The human race was always interesting and we know by its past that it will always continue so, monot...
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Man is a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
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It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts th...
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Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement,...
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Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money of t...
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Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.
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Man is the only creature who has a nasty mind.
MARK TWAIN
We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks, if we agree with him.
MARK TWAIN
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover th...
MARK TWAIN
A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom that he can no longer be lead by the nose.
MARK TWAIN
Happiness ain't a thing in itself --it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant. And so,...
MARK TWAIN
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their happiness to...
MARK TWAIN
I repeat, sir, that in whatever position you place a woman she is an ornament to society and a treas...
MARK TWAIN
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MARK TWAIN
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide i...
MARK TWAIN
Let us be grateful to Adam, our benefactor. He cut us out of the blessing of idleness and won for us...
MARK TWAIN
Intellectual work is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation, and is its own highest reward.
MARK TWAIN
Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.
MARK TWAIN
I do not like work even when someone else does it.
MARK TWAIN
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Often the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth.
MARK TWAIN
Truth is neither alive nor dead; it just aggravates itself all the time.
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No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.
MARK TWAIN
We had the sky up there, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss whether th...
MARK TWAIN
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True ...
MARK TWAIN
When you ascend the hill of prosperity, may you not meet a friend.
MARK TWAIN
Prosperity is the surest breeder of insolence I know.
MARK TWAIN
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
MARK TWAIN
We need not worry so much about what man descends from; it's what he descends to that shames the hum...
MARK TWAIN
There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends.
MARK TWAIN
I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- except he...
MARK TWAIN
There was never a century nor a country that was short of experts who knew the Deity's mind and were...
MARK TWAIN
People are much more willing to lend you books than bookcases.
MARK TWAIN
My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine -- everybody drinks water.
MARK TWAIN
A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razor strap. A thin book is useful to stick under a table ...
MARK TWAIN
When the doctrine of allegiance to party can utterly up-end a man's moral constitution and make a te...
MARK TWAIN
In statesmanship get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities.
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Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.
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The lack of money is the root of all evils.
MARK TWAIN
His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.
MARK TWAIN
Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: The one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures...
MARK TWAIN
All schools, all colleges, have two great functions: to confer, and to conceal, valuable knowledge. ...
MARK TWAIN
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. Traini...
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We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only m...
MARK TWAIN
There are many scapegoats for our sins, but the most popular is providence.
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It is by the goodness of God that we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech...
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There isn't a single human characteristic that can be safely labeled as American.
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War talk by men who have been in a war is always interesting; whereas moon talk by a poet who has no...
MARK TWAIN
There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life when he has a raging desire to go somewhe...
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To arrive at a just estimate of a renowned man's character one must judge it by the standards of his...
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One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
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A wise man does not waste so good a commodity as lying for naught.
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A lie can run around the world six times while the truth is still trying to put on its pants.
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I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, b...
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The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.
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A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which gives immortality to conversati...
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Only a government that is rich and safe can afford to be a democracy, for democracy is the most expe...
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Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employ a million.
MARK TWAIN
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare.
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Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a creature be part cowar...
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Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself
MARK TWAIN
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man aro...
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Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
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It was the schoolboy who said, Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
MARK TWAIN
Never let formal education get in the way of your learning.
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There is nothing training cannot do. Nothing is above its reach. It can turn bad morals to good; it ...
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I've never let my school interfere with my education.
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In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in al...
MARK TWAIN
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).
MARK TWAIN
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal di...
MARK TWAIN
A person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was getting knowledge that was always going...
MARK TWAIN
Man is the Reasoning Animal. Such is the claim. I think it is open to dispute. Indeed, my experiment...
MARK TWAIN
Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the ca...
MARK TWAIN
If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the r...
MARK TWAIN
The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a...
MARK TWAIN
Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its...
MARK TWAIN
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
MARK TWAIN
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the reall...
MARK TWAIN
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
MARK TWAIN
′Classic′ - a book which people praise and don't read.
MARK TWAIN
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
MARK TWAIN
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
MARK TWAIN
The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.
MARK TWAIN
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Trut...
MARK TWAIN
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
MARK TWAIN
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
MARK TWAIN
All right, then, I'll go to hell.
MARK TWAIN
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
MARK TWAIN
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
MARK TWAIN
If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.
MARK TWAIN
To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.
MARK TWAIN
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it ...
MARK TWAIN
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
MARK TWAIN
Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
MARK TWAIN
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
MARK TWAIN
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.
MARK TWAIN