I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their...
JERRY SEINFELD The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. Y...
JERRY SEINFELD Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess ...
JERRY SEINFELD Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the othe...
JERRY SEINFELD I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...
Not easy. There's an ent...
JERRY SEINFELD According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death i...
JERRY SEINFELD It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits th...
JERRY SEINFELD A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
JERRY SEINFELD It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fit...
JERRY SEINFELD You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if...
JERRY SEINFELD When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It reall...
JERRY SEINFELD I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
JERRY SEINFELD Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
JERRY SEINFELD That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
JERRY SEINFELD There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
JERRY SEINFELD I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
JERRY SEINFELD The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
JERRY SEINFELD Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on...
JERRY SEINFELD When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I...
JERRY SEINFELD You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
JERRY SEINFELD Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and...
JERRY SEINFELD Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
JERRY SEINFELD Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
JERRY SEINFELD A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
JERRY SEINFELD The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers...
JERRY SEINFELD To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
JERRY SEINFELD My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.
JERRY SEINFELD I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to s...
JERRY SEINFELD We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sle...
JERRY SEINFELD Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
JERRY SEINFELD I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and ...
JERRY SEINFELD Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cra...
JERRY SEINFELD Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even ca...
JERRY SEINFELD Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.
JERRY SEINFELD When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
JERRY SEINFELD It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
JERRY SEINFELD We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for ...
JERRY SEINFELD Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on whe...
JERRY SEINFELD There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family."
JERRY SEINFELD A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
JERRY SEINFELD Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you&...
JERRY SEINFELD You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think ...
JERRY SEINFELD When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you'r...
JERRY SEINFELD Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.
JERRY SEINFELD I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert...
JERRY SEINFELD If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an i...
JERRY SEINFELD When I was a comic in the 1980s, I was on the road somewhere every day, and I'd get back to the ...
JERRY SEINFELD I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know mo...
JERRY SEINFELD People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
JERRY SEINFELD There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hi...
JERRY SEINFELD I'm really enjoying this, ... Could this be a weekly series?
JERRY SEINFELD My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
JERRY SEINFELD You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blo...
JERRY SEINFELD There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know...
JERRY SEINFELD We're just cheering for laundry!
JERRY SEINFELD Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
JERRY SEINFELD The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
JERRY SEINFELD A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
JERRY SEINFELD I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!
JERRY SEINFELD Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men...
JERRY SEINFELD 50 Greatest Shows of All Time.
JERRY SEINFELD Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic,
JERRY SEINFELD We were somewhat unsupervised. The audience was there and the network is not going to complain if ev...
JERRY SEINFELD Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fi...
JERRY SEINFELD The article said that since the Upper West Side lost Charivari (an expensive clothing retailer) and ...
JERRY SEINFELD stinking from smoked salmon and covered in grass stains from playing in the park, (they) are not goi...
JERRY SEINFELD But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to...
JERRY SEINFELD The reactions of audiences are interesting,
JERRY SEINFELD I became aware of autism through some friends who are dealing with it and it is heartbreaking. I wan...
JERRY SEINFELD The show had an intense comedic energy that you do not find on other shows. There's an intense comed...
JERRY SEINFELD It really was written and geared for a very specific audience, but our comedic strength trumps all o...
JERRY SEINFELD A thought occurred to me,
JERRY SEINFELD That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me
JERRY SEINFELD To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
JERRY SEINFELD The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty...
JERRY SEINFELD No, he wont understand! People with guns don't understand! That's why they have guns... to many misu...
JERRY SEINFELD The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers...
JERRY SEINFELD I had 10,000 things that I like doing on the show itself, and certainly among them was telling Georg...
JERRY SEINFELD People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to
JERRY SEINFELD I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
JERRY SEINFELD Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
JERRY SEINFELD Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you'...
JERRY SEINFELD where's Kramer?
JERRY SEINFELD Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, ...
JERRY SEINFELD My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
JERRY SEINFELD I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist.
JERRY SEINFELD Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.
JERRY SEINFELD Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sens...
JERRY SEINFELD A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public....
JERRY SEINFELD You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day
JERRY SEINFELD Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date a...
JERRY SEINFELD No soup for you
JERRY SEINFELD You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to...
JERRY SEINFELD When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.
JERRY SEINFELD What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. ...
JERRY SEINFELD And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.
JERRY SEINFELD The best revenge is living well.
JERRY SEINFELD Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behin...
JERRY SEINFELD You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world...
JERRY SEINFELD Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing l...
JERRY SEINFELD If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
JERRY SEINFELD The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty...
JERRY SEINFELD Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you'...
JERRY SEINFELD Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
JERRY SEINFELD What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out ever...
JERRY SEINFELD A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.
JERRY SEINFELD How many people have had starter marriages? For some reason, mine really offends people.
JESSICA SEINFELD My Nike Free sneakers add a splash of color and slide on fast, perfect for when I'm rushing to c...
JESSICA SEINFELD I had three jobs in college. The best day of my life was when I paid off my student loans, on my own...
JESSICA SEINFELD Gangsta rap was the most important movement since the beginning of rock n' roll.
JERRY HELLER Perfection has to do with the end product, but excellence has to do with the process.
JERRY MORAN We are all born as empty vessels which can be shaped by moral values.
JERRY SPRINGER Because you can't do anything halfway, you've got to go all the way in anything you do.
JERRY BRUCKHEIMER To me, it's not the end of the world if I end up not being with someone. I love romance. I love ...
JERRY HALL We want young people to know what they believe, why they believe it. I believe America was built on ...
JERRY FALWELL Works of art often last forever, or nearly so. But exhibitions themselves, especially gallery exhibi...
JERRY SALTZ I never realized that growing up in Brooklyn, flying jets, working on Wall Street and starring in a ...
JERRY DOYLE We have to restore power to the family, to the neighborhood, and the community with a non-market pri...
JERRY BROWN There is a public perception that Paris Hilton is the black sheep of the family.
JERRY OPPENHEIMER It took the Metropolitan Museum of Art nearly 50 years to wake up to Pablo Picasso. It didn't ow...
JERRY SALTZ Kevin Garnett was a great player, but he wasn't Kobe Bryant.
JERRY WEST I guess I've always been a groupie. My first date was a bull rider called Tommy Lee Bryant. We&#...
JERRY HALL I studied drama in high school, and when I was 18, I studied at the Actors Studio in New York. Then ...
JERRY HALL When I was young, I was a sucker for smooth men. Bryan Ferry hired me, at 19, to be painted blue and...
JERRY HALL I see myself as the buffer between the band and the record company.
JERRY HARRISON New Yorkers only cross water for visual culture if the water is an ocean. The East River throws us f...
JERRY SALTZ Whoever is sitting in the White House, especially in their second term, when gas goes up to $3 a gal...
JERRY FALWELL You wouldn't want to see the size of the check that I would write if it would for sure get the D...
JERRY JONES And Warner Bros. seems to be pretty much into re-releasing all of their catalog. So there's the ...
JERRY GARCIA When I gave up law to go into real estate, my mother said, 'How can you give up the law?' Bu...
JERRY REINSDORF When I bought the team, I wasn't thinking about a new arena. But obviously I'm very proud of...
JERRY REINSDORF Scanadu is right at the heart of the next generation of computing, which combines mobility, sensors,...
JERRY YANG 'The Night Cafe' and 'The Starry Night' still emit such pathos, density, and intensi...
JERRY SALTZ I really am glad that the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children has had the cou...
JERRY HALL Recycling, packaging, businesses are changing all of those things because that's what consumers ...
JERRY GREENFIELD Pension reform can be hard to talk about. In the long run, reform now means fewer demands for layoff...
JERRY BROWN When it's the caliber of fight that Canelo Alvarez and Liam Smith is, that's a big deal, and...
JERRY JONES The things that are happening to me are unbelievable. I'm actually busier right now than when I ...
JERRY RICE I can tell you, I grew up with great coaching, and it had nothing to do with sports. I had great par...
JERRY JONES I call it like I see it. I don't hold back when it comes to being candid on the hot issues.
JERRY DOYLE When the purse strings tighten up at museums, the institutions usually cut back and cancel shows. Th...
JERRY SALTZ Just as Pollock used the drip to meld process and product, Richter 'found' and used the smud...
JERRY SALTZ 'Hound Dog' took like twelve minutes. That's not a complicated piece of work. But the rh...
JERRY LEIBER The State of Israel has faced obstacles and challenges to its very survival, with conventional milit...
JERRY COSTELLO Startups are often very undercapitalised, but I found that to be very beneficial because it forces y...
JERRY GREENFIELD I think that N.W.A. picked up where Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King would have gone if they had...
JERRY HELLER Prosperity is living easily and happily in the real world, whether you have money or not.
JERRY GELLIS Making a million dollars is the simplest thing in the world. Just find a product that sells for $200...
JERRY GILLIES MoMA is one of the world's great cultural institutions with one of the world's premier Board...
JERRY SPEYER The tax code can be used to eliminate the toll booths on the information superhighway.
JERRY WELLER The first memory I have was my sisters dancing to the radio when they played records by Benny Goodma...
JERRY LEIBER You can never be happily married to another until you get a divorce from yourself. A successful marr...
JERRY MCCANT I discovered the Clash, the Pistols, obviously the Ramones, Blondie.
JERRY ONLY We were watching bands like the Ramones and Blondie and other bands beginning to ignite.
JERRY ONLY My long, blonde hair has been my trademark ever since I started modelling in the Seventies, when I w...
JERRY HALL If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being.
JERRY FALWELL Prosperity is living easily and happily in the real world, whether you have money or not.
JERRY GELLIS If God had an agent, the world wouldn't be built yet. It'd only be about Thursday.
JERRY REYNOLDS I know it's dangerous to take on bloggers. They can go after you every day, all day long, and an...
JERRY SALTZ People come to me with their passion about transportation, about education, about health care, about...
JERRY MCNERNEY You be you and I'll be me, today and today and today, and let's trust the future to tomorrow. Let th...
JERRY SPINELLI It's in the morning, for most of us. It's that time, those few seconds when we're coming out of slee...
JERRY SPINELLI Our worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are...
JERRY BRIDGES I've had great success being a total idiot.
JERRY LEWIS Do not get attatched to the world as it is. Because the world is changing something new is coming.
JERRY WEINTRAUB When a stargirl cries, she sheds not tears but light.
JERRY SPINELLI Most men act so tough and strong on the outside because on the inside, we are scared, weak, and frag...
JERRY RUBIN I have made decisions that turned out to be wrong, and went back and did it another way, and still t...
JERRY GILLIES It doesn't matter what I say as long as I sound different from other politicians.
JERRY BROWN Make sure you visualize what you really want, not what someone else wants for you.
JERRY GILLIES And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rain...
JERRY CHIN Confidence is a lot of this game or any game. If you don't think you can, you won't.
JERRY WEST When the game is over it is really just beginning.
JERRY KRAMER When you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
JERRY MARTIN Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
JERRY GARCIA You will recognize your own path when you come upon it, because you will suddenly have all the energ...
JERRY GILLIES The government is becoming the family of last resort.
JERRY BROWN It takes a lot more energy to fail than to succeed, since it takes a lot of concentrated energy to h...
JERRY GILLIES People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.
JERRY LEWIS You do not merely want to be considered just the best of the best. You want to be considered the onl...
JERRY GARCIA Confront your fears, list them, get to know them, and only then will you be able to put them aside a...
JERRY GILLIES I'm shopping around for something to do that no one will like.
JERRY GARCIA Profitability doesn't happen when you're walking on bullshit.
JERRY MARTIN Inaction may be the biggest form of action.
JERRY BROWN For me, the lame part of the Sixties was the political part, the social part. The real part was the ...
JERRY GARCIA The more you love what you are doing, the more successful it will be for you.
JERRY GILLIES What you do is more important than how much you make, and how you feel about it is more important th...
JERRY GILLIES Nobody stopped thinking about those psychedelic experiences. Once you've been to some of those place...
JERRY GARCIA Prisons don't rehabilitate, they don't punish, they don't protect, so what the hell do they do?
JERRY BROWN By the end, everybody had a label -- pig, liberal, radical, revolutionary ... If you had everything ...
JERRY RUBIN It's a morbid observation, but if every one on earth just stopped breathing for an hour, the greenho...
JERRY ADLER Too often, we say we are defeated by this or that sin. No, we are not defeated. We are simply disobe...
JERRY BRIDGES I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'
JERRY SEINFIELD The backseat produced the sexual revolution.
JERRY RUBIN Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
JERRY BROWN Most men act so tough and strong on the outside because on the inside, we are scared, weak, and fr...
JERRY RUBIN Destroy your life; then put it back together.You'll get great material, meet some fascinating charac...
JERRY STAHL AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society th...
JERRY FALWELL We need to make sure the Department of Agriculture is promoting farmers and ranchers.
JERRY MORAN I'm going to keep thinking about topping myself every time. I can say very confidently that Alic...
JERRY CANTRELL