I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.