I went to bed in my sh*thole apartment and I woke up in an actual sh*thole.

I don't give a crap if you covered yourself in peanut butter and had a 15 hooker gang bang!

This is the most fun I've had without lubricant.

My last girlfriend was a feminist, vegan punk who broke up with me because she thought I was too angry.

Help! Someone help me! Is someone there? Hey! Oh sh*t, I'm probably dead.

My name is Very F**king Confused; what's your name?