I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Steven Wright
Related I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.... STEPHEN WRIGHT Are you taking us to the beach?" - Dan Cahill JUDE WATSON It looks ancient," - Amy Cahill JUDE WATSON Let's head out to the ruins." - Dan Cahill ROLAND SMITH It SMELLS ancient," - Dan Cahill JUDE WATSON Palm trees were fanned by a warm, light breeze, and they rolled down their windows to smell the sea. JUDE WATSON I can tell you that you will have your hearts broken more by the people you love than by the people ... MARGARET PETERSON HADDIX Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with ... DAVID LETTERMAN About f-f-ace!" she said to the horse, flailing with her boots. "Into the barn, please. It's time fo... PETER LERANGIS You see?" Damien leaned over his desk and spread out half a dozen charcoal sketches. "These are only... RICK RIORDAN I've got a few ideas," (Amy) admitted. "But I don't know where we're going in the long term. I mean ... RICK RIORDAN I give myself 24 hours after a loss. After that, I'm totally on to the next game. But for 24 hou... RICK PITINO I've gone up to a random guy in a grocery store before and said, 'Hi, I think you're cut... AUTUMN REESER Alas, I think I am becoming a god. TITUS Some men by ancestry are only the shadow of a mighty name. LUCAN I have a wife, I have sons: all of them hostages given to fate. LUCAN I'm a 24-hour tweet machine, I'm a 24-hour blogger. When there's no pressure on me, I ca... QUESTLOVE I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He sai... TOMMY COOPER I was at a banquet, and I went into the ladies' room, and I'm in the stall doing my business... LINDSAY WAGNER Don't have to see," the pilot grunted. "Olga knows the way." "Funny name for an aircraft... GORDON KORMAN Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. SENECA Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness. SENECA We never reflect how pleasant it is to ask for nothing. SENECA Just as I shall select my ship when I am about to go on a voyage, or my house when I propose to take... SENECA Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life. SENECA Luck is where opportunity meets preparation. SENECA Friendship always benefits; love sometimes injures. SENECA I've been in Iraq, and it never occurred to me to go, 'Hey, this war is bogus,' to some ... HENRY ROLLINS When I was a kid, I just devoured TV 24 hours a day. Now that it's actually available 24 hours a... LUKE PERRY When I walk down the street in New York, I swear to God, the building constructor, the guy pounding ... DON RICKLES When Steven Spielberg comes to you and says, 'Hey do you want to write a movie about robots?'... DREW GODDARD I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor wi... EMO PHILIPS You think 24-7 when you're a creative person. And I find pleasure in everything - if I'm in ... FRANCISCO COSTA There was only one punch. Tony Blair rang me and he said 'Are you OK?' and I said 'Yes... JOHN PRESCOTT I've got a guy in my office that works 24/7 to shut down websites that are putting 'Dead Air... CORBIN BERNSEN I was 18 when I first visited London, I'm very provincial like that, but I must confess the mome... DAVID HOCKNEY I'm the type of guy who likes to be there 24-7. I'm Mr. Roses. A. J. MCLEAN When I left my parents' home when I was 19, I went to the University of Florida, and within 24 h... DARRELL HAMMOND I'm still a big 'Grey's Anatomy' fan. BROOKE ELLIOTT I used to watch 'Grey's Anatomy' pretty religiously. ERINN HAYES I was an exchange student for a summer, and most of that summer was in Ukraine. I used to say 't... LOUIE GOHMERT A famous actor told me once - I don't want to name names, I hate that sort of thing - but I was ... SAM CLAFLIN A lot of the listeners don't realize that the Daytona 24 Hours is the most difficult race in the... SCOTT PRUETT I think about work 24 hours a day. But when you fly a helicopter, for that hour or two you can't... RYAN KAVANAUGH I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you ... DEMETRI MARTIN I once said to a boy, 'You're a really good kisser,' and he said, 'You're only a... FKA TWIGS I had dinner with Marlene Dietrich in the early 1970s. I went to pick her up and she had someone wit... ROBERT WILSON I remember once seeing a guy in the grocery store who looked so much like my character the Archangel... ALEXANDRA ADORNETTO If you can believe it, Hollywood wanted to change my birthdate. I was born after Valentine's Day... CESAR ROMERO There was my name up in lights. I said, 'God, somebody's made a mistake.' But there it w... MARILYN MONROE I went to school with Steven Wright, who was the shyest guy I knew, and one day someone suddenly tol... DENIS LEARY When I started acting, I was told over and over again, 'You're no good.' But I said to m... SALMA HAYEK Hey, the TV was my friend. As a child, I always said, 'I want to live in there someday.' PARKER POSEY My high-school a cappella teacher would embarrass me in front of the choir. 'Mavis, you're i... MAVIS STAPLES One way or another, we all fight for what we believe in. Doesn't that give us some common ground? TOM CLANCY, 'THE CARDINAL OF THE KREMLIN' I have friends of mine that are actors or singers, and they're the classic guys where, they'... JAIME CAMIL When I auditioned for 'Bye Bye Birdie' on Broadway, Gower Champion said, 'You've got... DICK VAN DYKE When you're in the same band as somebody, you're seeing them almost more than 24 hours a day... CHRISTINE MCVIE It was that famous joke: What's the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the ... DAVE GROHL I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He sa... LES DAWSON I'm proud to say that I was that guy playing the character of Dr. Burke on 'Grey's Anato... ISAIAH WASHINGTON I walked into a demo session one time, and a guy said, 'I'm thinking kind of like a Trace Ad... CHRIS STAPLETON Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 ho... DAVID LETTERMAN A couple of months ago, I was down in Florida for the Food and Wine Festival. And this journalist gr... TOM COLICCHIO I was 24 yesterday. Suddenly you wake up, and you get on the elevator, and there's a mirror ther... CHARLES NELSON REILLY When I was about 19, my stepmother said - because this was back in the '80s - that I had Robert ... MICHAEL WEATHERLY You know the stories of a woman saying to Churchill, 'Sir, you're drunk,' and he said to... THOMAS HOWES I was in Africa once. I was in Kenya. I got off the plane, and I thought, 'Africa...' Some g... ED O'NEILL Vin Diesel is crazy, and when I say crazy, I mean it in a good way. He's crazy about Latinos, an... NICKY JAM I had a day off, and I was walking down the street one day, and this Mercedes pulls up alongside me,... KENNY BAKER When I turned 50, something clicked in my head and I said, 'I'm not going to live to 100. I&... KEVIN O'LEARY When it was suggested that I write a memoir I said, 'I'm not old enough. I'm not disting... JULIA CAMERON It's all to do with the training: you can do a lot if you're properly trained. QUEEN ELIZABETH II Like all best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and... QUEEN ELIZABETH II My husband has quite simply been my strength and stay all these years, and I owe him a debt greater ... QUEEN ELIZABETH II It is easy enough to define what the Commonwealth is not. Indeed this is quite a popular pastime. QUEEN ELIZABETH II I have to be seen to be believed. QUEEN ELIZABETH II I have in sincerity pledged myself to your service, as so many of you are pledged to mine. Throughou... QUEEN ELIZABETH II I hope that tomorrow we can all, wherever we are, join in expressing our grief at Diana's loss, ... QUEEN ELIZABETH II I myself prefer my New Zealand eggs for breakfast. QUEEN ELIZABETH II The British constitution has always been puzzling and always will be. QUEEN ELIZABETH II I have behind me not only the splendid traditions and the annals of more than a thousand years but t... QUEEN ELIZABETH II To what greater inspiration and counsel can we turn than to the imperishable truth to be found in th... QUEEN ELIZABETH II What were once only hopes for the future have now come to pass; it is almost exactly 13 years since ... QUEEN ELIZABETH II First, I want to pay tribute to Diana myself. She was an exceptional and gifted human being. In good... QUEEN ELIZABETH II I cannot lead you into battle. I do not give you laws or administer justice but I can do something e... QUEEN ELIZABETH II To all those who have suffered as a consequence of our troubled past I extend my sincere thoughts an... QUEEN ELIZABETH II Grief is the price we pay for love. QUEEN ELIZABETH II The upward course of a nation's history is due in the long run to the soundness of heart of its ... QUEEN ELIZABETH II At its heart, engineering is about using science to find creative, practical solutions. It is a nobl... QUEEN ELIZABETH II At Christmas, I am always struck by how the spirit of togetherness lies also at the heart of the Chr... QUEEN ELIZABETH II For many, Christmas is also a time for coming together. But for others, service will come first. QUEEN ELIZABETH II The lessons from the peace process are clear; whatever life throws at us, our individual responses w... QUEEN ELIZABETH II I declare before you all that my whole life, whether it be long or short, shall be devoted to your s... QUEEN ELIZABETH II Therefore I am sure that this, my Coronation, is not the symbol of a power and a splendor that are g... QUEEN ELIZABETH II We lost the American colonies because we lacked the statesmanship to know the right time and the man... QUEEN ELIZABETH II Madam President, speaking here in Dublin Castle it is impossible to ignore the weight of history, as... QUEEN ELIZABETH II These wretched babies don't come until they are ready. QUEEN ELIZABETH II I know of no single formula for success. But over the years I have observed that some attributes of ... QUEEN ELIZABETH II The events that I have attended to mark my Diamond Jubilee have been a humbling experience. It has t... QUEEN ELIZABETH II
More Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching... STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it. STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ... STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ... STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you str... STEVEN WRIGHT A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space... STEVEN WRIGHT I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity. STEVEN WRIGHT Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it? STEVEN WRIGHT Black holes are where God divided by zero. STEVEN WRIGHT Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, yo... STEVEN WRIGHT I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. STEVEN WRIGHT I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. STEVEN WRIGHT My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. STEVEN WRIGHT Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this b... STEVEN WRIGHT George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. STEVEN WRIGHT The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. STEVEN WRIGHT If God dropped acid, would he see people? STEVEN WRIGHT I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop,... STEVEN WRIGHT I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of t... STEVEN WRIGHT I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral ... STEVEN WRIGHT I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. STEVEN WRIGHT If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, d... STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. STEVEN WRIGHT I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an... STEVEN WRIGHT I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' STEVEN WRIGHT I intend to live forever. So far, so good. STEVEN WRIGHT A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. STEVEN WRIGHT Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. STEVEN WRIGHT In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be... STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. STEVEN WRIGHT I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. STEVEN WRIGHT Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. STEVEN WRIGHT I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' STEVEN WRIGHT At one point he decided enough was enough. STEVEN WRIGHT I thought I would be a guy on the radio. STEVEN WRIGHT I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that w... STEVEN WRIGHT Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. STEVEN WRIGHT It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and ... STEVEN WRIGHT I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because th... STEVEN WRIGHT I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and g... STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-... STEVEN WRIGHT I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. STEVEN WRIGHT So, do you live around here often? STEVEN WRIGHT I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way thro... STEVEN WRIGHT Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it beca... STEVEN WRIGHT I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. STEVEN WRIGHT I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing film... STEVEN WRIGHT I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. STEVEN WRIGHT I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. STEVEN WRIGHT I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for thre... STEVEN WRIGHT When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. STEVEN WRIGHT Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really ex... STEVEN WRIGHT It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I t... STEVEN WRIGHT You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The... STEVEN WRIGHT I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di... STEVEN WRIGHT I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. STEVEN WRIGHT I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, ... STEVEN WRIGHT I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. STEVEN WRIGHT There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalato... STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. STEVEN WRIGHT I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy ... STEVEN WRIGHT OK, so what's the speed of dark? STEVEN WRIGHT Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in Ja... STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I... STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. STEVEN WRIGHT Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere i... STEVEN WRIGHT I invented the cordless extension cord. STEVEN WRIGHT I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. STEVEN WRIGHT For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them f... STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that d... STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during... STEVEN WRIGHT If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? STEVEN WRIGHT My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. STEVEN WRIGHT I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be assoc... STEVEN WRIGHT Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-g... STEVEN WRIGHT When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to ... STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. STEVEN WRIGHT There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really inte... STEVEN WRIGHT I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not tryi... STEVEN WRIGHT I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I... STEVEN WRIGHT I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and force... STEVEN WRIGHT How young can you die of old age? STEVEN WRIGHT I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. STEVEN WRIGHT I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. STEVEN WRIGHT Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. STEVEN WRIGHT I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistical... STEVEN WRIGHT I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. STEVEN WRIGHT I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. STEVEN WRIGHT I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I... STEVEN WRIGHT I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black... STEVEN WRIGHT I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. STEVEN WRIGHT If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? STEVEN WRIGHT It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. STEVEN WRIGHT Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually... STEVEN WRIGHT I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. STEVEN WRIGHT On the other hand, you have different fingers. STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the othe... STEVEN WRIGHT They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. STEVEN WRIGHT I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. STEVEN WRIGHT All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. STEVEN WRIGHT Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. STEVEN WRIGHT What a nice night for an evening. STEVEN WRIGHT If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. STEVEN WRIGHT If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. STEVEN WRIGHT Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. STEVEN WRIGHT Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. STEVEN WRIGHT I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. STEVEN WRIGHT I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus? STEVEN WRIGHT I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. STEVEN WRIGHT If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. STEVEN WRIGHT If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it? STEVEN WRIGHT Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. STEVEN WRIGHT My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant... STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. STEVEN WRIGHT My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right... STEVEN WRIGHT I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. STEVEN WRIGHT If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? STEVEN WRIGHT If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? STEVEN WRIGHT A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. STEVEN WRIGHT I like to reminisce with people I don't know. STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. STEVEN WRIGHT I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You... STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she t... STEVEN WRIGHT My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. STEVEN WRIGHT What happens if you get scared half to death twice? STEVEN WRIGHT George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a ... STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go... STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. STEVEN WRIGHT Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I ... STEVEN WRIGHT Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build... STEVEN WRIGHT I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. STEVEN WRIGHT My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. STEVEN WRIGHT I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! STEVEN WRIGHT I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after... STEVEN WRIGHT I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...... STEVEN WRIGHT If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? STEVEN WRIGHT It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It'... STEVEN WRIGHT I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. STEVEN WRIGHT I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. STEVEN WRIGHT I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll c... STEVEN WRIGHT My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she lov... STEVEN WRIGHT When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'W... STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect. STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap... STEVEN WRIGHT You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows u... STEVEN WRIGHT Consciousness: That annoying time between naps STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few m... STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus? STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. STEVEN WRIGHT Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I ... STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. STEVEN WRIGHT If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ... STEVEN WRIGHT I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the li... STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to... STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize STEVEN WRIGHT The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament... STEVEN WRIGHT In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably doub... STEVEN WRIGHT The uncertainty is petrol prices, STEVEN WRIGHT Our modelling suggest bond yields should rise in line with the US by at least 1 per cent. The X fact... STEVEN WRIGHT Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. W... STEVEN WRIGHT I've known Ian for a while. It's not about beating the best pitcher. He's still my buddy. I'll proba... STEVEN WRIGHT I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it. STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time. STEVEN WRIGHT I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote" STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma... STEVEN WRIGHT Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even st... STEVEN WRIGHT Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even ... STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never... STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't? STEVEN WRIGHT Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big... STEVEN WRIGHT Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. STEVEN WRIGHT My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several... STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. STEVEN WRIGHT I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so... STEVEN WRIGHT I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you�... STEVEN WRIGHT I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out... STEVEN WRIGHT Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. STEVEN WRIGHT I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving... STEVEN WRIGHT