I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.