I tried taking everything in life with a grain of salt, but after using up two bags of salt I gave up.

Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on a beach drinking margaritas.

Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.

When life gives you lemons, follow the five-step plan:
1.Sit on the couch.
2.Turn on the TV.
3.Throw lemons at life.
4.Force life to make lemonade for you.
5.Drink the lemonade.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.

Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.