I never understood what’s so scary about having ideals, wanting to take something and make it better, to want to change oneself and the world around you. Then again, people take comfort in their routines, and all too often I’m told I ought not to rock the boat.

We love to be fucked. Plain and simple. By our government, by our jobs, by our so-called friends who take us for granted. We want to be told want to think because critical analysis is too hard--let someone else do it. We want to be told what to do because this way we can avoid responsibility, that if we fuck up, we can just blame the person who instructed us. What a load of bullshit.

I guess that’s the aspect of being an adult that’s most terrifying: you either never change, or you change into someone you don’t even recognize anymore. Sometimes either end can turn out alright, and sometimes, not so much. There’s no certainty. There’s no rhyme or reason for things happening in the patterns they do, aside from the reasons we deduce. So with that being said, I want to believe that the reasons I am right here, right now, is to experience a new adventure, whatever that might be.

We have a routine we go through, ... and without question, there's a comfort level there.

Do you ever have days where you know you should do something, yet you can’t be bothered to do it? They’re not even difficult tasks by most standards: laundry, running to the bank, vacuuming, writing. Hell, even the things you enjoy that aren’t chores or errands bring you little pleasure. You try to eat, but the food is just ash in your mouth: tasteless and bland. Everything is gray, yet you don’t feel sad. You merely exist. And you cannot move.

“You think you know better, don’t you?” is a phrase that I’ve often heard from authority figures in my life, whether it be my parents or past managers. Given my independence that only grows as time goes on and having shrugged off a “normal” job working solely for other people, I find the answer to that question is more and more obvious. Yes, I fucking do know better, and not for lack of trying.