I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.


Steven Wright

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What a nice night for an evening.
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STEVEN WRIGHT
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
STEVEN WRIGHT
The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament...
STEVEN WRIGHT
In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably doub...
STEVEN WRIGHT
The uncertainty is petrol prices,
STEVEN WRIGHT
Our modelling suggest bond yields should rise in line with the US by at least 1 per cent. The X fact...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. W...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I've known Ian for a while. It's not about beating the best pitcher. He's still my buddy. I'll proba...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote"
STEVEN WRIGHT
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even st...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
STEVEN WRIGHT
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT
My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you�...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, mayb...
STEVEN WRIGHT