I have no skills. I'm bad at most things.

I only come up with things when I am talking to myself, which I do constantly. The sidewalk and the subway are the best places for this. I speak at full volume and then laugh at myself if I like what I just said.

To be employed in the entertainment industry is a miracle.

I was an umpire at little league softball games. I only lasted a few games because I wasn't one hundred percent clear on all the rules.

I grew up with a pet iguana named Willy. We had a very contentious relationship. It turns out that iguanas are not meant to live in suburban homes.

Nothing makes me laugh more than farting.