I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.