Stephen Colbert quote: "I have a doctorate in fine arts from Knox College in Illinois. All I did was give a speech, and now everybody has to call me Dr. Colbert."

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to ...
STEPHEN COLBERT

In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an exp...
STEPHEN COLBERT

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier th...
STEPHEN COLBERT

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what h...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?
STEPHEN COLBERT

Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling autho...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
STEPHEN COLBERT

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuf...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.
STEPHEN COLBERT

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
STEPHEN COLBERT

I started off at the Second City in Chicago... It's an improvisational theater that ostensibly d...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.
STEPHEN COLBERT

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm ...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Late-night shows are 'Chopped.' Who are your guests tonight? Your guests tonight are veal to...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the ...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Use the word 'zeitgeist' as often as possible. Ideally, you want to find words that sound fa...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I am highly variable in my devotion. From a doctrinal point of view or a dogmatic point of view or a...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I'm very comfortable with uncomfortable situations, and I think that can seem odd to people, tha...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy she...
STEPHEN COLBERT

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
STEPHEN COLBERT

Equations are the devil's sentences.
STEPHEN COLBERT

We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'rea...
STEPHEN COLBERT

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday -- no matter what ...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these sta...
STEPHEN COLBERT

My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller...
STEPHEN COLBERT

It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's n...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I like being boring to a certain extent. I don't have to be flashy. I get to put all of that int...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and th...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive p...
STEPHEN COLBERT

He's the master, ... It's admirable. I watch him with my mouth open and think, 'How does he do it?' ...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of...
STEPHEN COLBERT

The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work...
STEPHEN COLBERT

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.
STEPHEN COLBERT

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.
STEPHEN COLBERT

Make no mistake: I love women. I'm married to one, I was birthed by one, and I played one in my ...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn a...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Simply being a guest on David Letterman's show has been a highlight of my career. I never dreame...
STEPHEN COLBERT

The only thing that I don't like is my kids watching comedy that isn't actually funny. There...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I have tender feelings for Nixon because everybody has warm feelings about their childhood. Actually...
STEPHEN COLBERT

People are constantly saying, 'How's it feel to have such an impact?' I just want to be funny. I'm a...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, w...
STEPHEN COLBERT

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant, ... One motto on the s...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I think O'Reilly could be so evolved, he's one of the X-Men
STEPHEN COLBERT

Jon would never talk about Britney's baby, ... But I see it as an example of our Hollywood limousine...
STEPHEN COLBERT

My character is not based on (Bill) O'Reilly, ... It's the same guy from The Daily Show. You'd never...
STEPHEN COLBERT

They're all cult of personality, ... People don't come there for news. They come there for that guy'...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Jon's his own guy, but it's a gig that says a lot about who you are in the comedy community.
STEPHEN COLBERT

Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces ...
STEPHEN COLBERT

He had a wonderful interview with Bono during the Republican National Convention in New York. It mad...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Bush has a real problem on his hands here, John: What honor should he bestow on Karl Rove?
STEPHEN COLBERT

He would be just as apprehensive as I was, before the first film came out. Really, really, really ho...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Every day, if I could find someone to play with me. If I couldn't find someone to play with me, I wo...
STEPHEN COLBERT

They thought it was warping their children's minds. Which it might have been, but it also took a lot...
STEPHEN COLBERT

So you weren't a good student.
STEPHEN COLBERT

It's about bluster and personality, ... Daily Show.
STEPHEN COLBERT

We're going to deal with truth on my show.
STEPHEN COLBERT

knocking up pop stars.
STEPHEN COLBERT

I want to thank Comedy Central for picking up the show, but more importantly I want to congratulate ...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. What’s wrong with red, white and blue, USA Tod...
STEPHEN COLBERT

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Child...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, ...
STEPHEN COLBERT

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority fi...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the ri...
STEPHEN COLBERT

The Colbert Report
STEPHEN COLBERT

metaphorical sloppy seconds.
STEPHEN COLBERT

It was, actually. I started playing Dungeons & Dragons the first week it was introduced to the marke...
STEPHEN COLBERT

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
STEPHEN COLBERT

I have a mug that actually verifies that I'm the world's best dad. That's a mug. That...
STEPHEN COLBERT

There's a degree of narcissism involved in anything in show business. I mean, you can't do i...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I deliver my Truth hot and hard.
STEPHEN COLBERT

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared t...
STEPHEN COLBERT

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.
STEPHEN COLBERT

That's my parenting style - 'Go watch the TV.' I'm one of 11 children, and my mother...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so ...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Jon always said 'The Daily Show' has no political impact, ... We're going to go ahead and pick up th...
STEPHEN COLBERT

as natural as a gorilla beating his chest.
STEPHEN COLBERT

I can't prove it, but I can say it.
STEPHEN COLBERT

I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she ...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what ...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Lemme just talk to you for a second about something that I think is good for America: caramel apples...
STEPHEN COLBERT

[And not a moment too soon, figures Colbert (the gifted humorist-performer, that is not the make-bel...
STEPHEN COLBERT

In success, you wouldn't be able to say I'm conservative or liberal. I'm part of the blame-America-l...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Don't be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up a...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overru...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
STEPHEN COLBERT

The first time I met Jon Stewart was at the press conference that Comedy Central held to announce Jo...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Reality has a well-known liberal bias.
STEPHEN COLBERT

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it...
STEPHEN COLBERT

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.
STEPHEN COLBERT

I believe gender is a spectrum, and I fall somewhere between Channing Tatum and Winnie the Pooh.
STEPHEN COLBERT

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life,
unfortunately, it won't date them either.
STEPHEN COLBERT

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.
STEPHEN COLBERT

My favorite off-camera memory of Jon Stewart is watching him jump from the second level of a tuna to...
STEPHEN COLBERT

I liked comedy as a kid. When I was a kid, I'd go to sleep to, like, Bill Cosby albums every nig...
STEPHEN COLBERT

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean ...
STEPHEN COLBERT

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter'...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
STEPHEN COLBERT

You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourse...
STEPHEN COLBERT

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!
STEPHEN COLBERT

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcohol...
STEPHEN COLBERT

Govern a family as you would cook a small fish - very gently.
CLAUDETTE COLBERT

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
CLAUDETTE COLBERT

I bet you think an egg is something you casually order for breakfast when you can't think of any...
CLAUDETTE COLBERT

When these seniors came here, we were 2-22 and 1-and-something. They helped put Waukegan basketball ...
BRIAN COLBERT

We got what we wanted ? winning a regional and a chance to get back home to the Dog Pound for the se...
BRIAN COLBERT

I rather have Dana full strength in March than in January. He doesn't want his season to end.
BRIAN COLBERT

It was fun watching the big men bang on each other all night. We thought we had a little more experi...
BRIAN COLBERT

I thought our defense triggered our offense. We got into a nice flow when we played good defense and...
BRIAN COLBERT

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy - the mother
CLAUDETTE COLBERT

The talent level continues to rise each and every year.
AL COLBERT

To just head off to one tournament, the bill could be as much as $6,000. Travel, hotel and food cost...
AL COLBERT

We have a very impressive schedule this year. Last season, I think we managed to sneak up on people,...
AL COLBERT

The money will go to the Red Cross or any other organization people can write checks to.
ANDREW COLBERT

Everybody has clothes lying around their house, everybody has some thing to give.
ANDREW COLBERT

The Palm Beach Story
CLAUDETTE COLBERT

Men don't get smarter when they grow older. They just lose their hair.
CLAUDETTE COLBERT

I had a dream that I went down (to New Orleans) and helped, but since it was the week before school,...
ANDREW COLBERT

Men don't get smarter when they grow older. They just lose their hair.
CLAUDETTE COLBERT

We returned from Spring Break healthy this year. We were plagued with multiple injuries very early i...
MALCOLM COLBERT

Audiences always sound like they're glad to see me, and I'm damned glad to see them.
CLAUDETTE COLBERT

We decided to take a chance, and it worked out pretty good for us.
KEVIN COLBERT

You go into it with a certain plan and you have to adjust as the game unfolds. Personally, I think i...
KEVIN COLBERT

This kid put up some amazing statistics in productivity at Bowling Green. We still think he has some...
KEVIN COLBERT

As we say every year, I don't think anybody ever thinks that they had a bad draft. We are no differe...
KEVIN COLBERT

It matters more what's in a woman's face than what's on it.
CLAUDETTE COLBERT

I bet you think an egg is something you casually order for breakfast when you can't think of anythin...
CLAUDETTE COLBERT

I know what's best for me, after all I have been in the Claudette Colbert business longer than anybo...
CLAUDETTE COLBERT

It took me years to figure out that you don't fall into a tub of butter, you jump for it.
CLAUDETTE COLBERT

[Actress Claudette Colbert appeared in her last film role in] Parrish, ... I'm a mature woman but I ...
CLAUDETTE COLBERT

It took me years to figure out that you don't fall into a tub of butter, you jump for it.
CLAUDETTE COLBERT

You wish you could’ve learned to play piano. You wish you could’ve started drawing when you were...
DAREN COLBERT

They've been here practicing all week, and they have all their paperwork in.
DEAN COLBERT

We welcome them. I think it's a great situation, the fact that we can at least help these families h...
DEAN COLBERT

I would just like for our seniors to have some semblance of a season. It doesn't really matter who w...
DEAN COLBERT

We want to try listing the second and third floors on the Internet, to buy or lease those floors.
DAVE COLBERT

The key will be to get something on those other two floors.
DAVE COLBERT

It was all generated from the idea that we wanted to save the building.
DAVE COLBERT

Ever since my house burned down, I see the moon more clearly.
GREGORY COLBERT

This building has legs and it wants to have conversations in different cultural contexts and cities....
GREGORY COLBERT

Anteater -- who could have ever thought that such an animal could be so expressive? It's all in thei...
GREGORY COLBERT

The works themselves can't be separate from the architecture or the music or the films. When you wal...
GREGORY COLBERT

Tracy had been a great support player in the midfield. Many of our goals are made from her contribut...
MALCOLM COLBERT

We are trying to get accustomed to the rapid arrival of the heat. Playoff preparation is continuing.
MALCOLM COLBERT

It feels good to get this title. The girls have worked hard. We still have more work to do in order ...
MALCOLM COLBERT

Smith Station defended our key players, but the girls adjusted well to counter the Smith Station gam...
MALCOLM COLBERT

We tried to neutralize their key players and exploit the wings. I was happy to see team's communicat...
MALCOLM COLBERT

This was a huge win for us. We played together as team and that is what it is going to take for use ...
MALCOLM COLBERT

I was proud of they way we played defense. The girls really played hard and did the things they need...
MALCOLM COLBERT

If you look at him, you would think he's 20-something. He takes care of his body ... look in his loc...
KEARY COLBERT

I know he knows he can play and still might want to play. But I always joke that his wife has made u...
KEARY COLBERT

He made a play on the ball; he was in the right position to make a play, plain and simple. I saw him...
KEARY COLBERT

Everybody wants to get on the field and stay on the field, ... So I think you have to push yourself ...
KEARY COLBERT

If you know what to do and get to your spot, that's what it's all about,
KEARY COLBERT

As far as getting the ball, I don't have so much pride where I have to have the ball or it's like, '...
KEARY COLBERT

It will happen in time, ... It's week two of a long season. I have to clean up a lot of stuff. I hav...
KEARY COLBERT

Everybody wants to be on the field, and everybody wants to stay on the field, ... There's a lot of t...
KEARY COLBERT

It will happen in time, ... It's Week 2 of a long season.
KEARY COLBERT

We learned that we had some pretty good depth and some of our youth were capable of playing larger r...
ROB COLBERT

Lots of people are on the Internet and it gives them an easy opportunity to help out.
OFFICER COLBERT

In politics nothing is contemptible.
JEAN BAPTISTE COLBERT

Finality is not the language of politics.
JEAN BAPTISTE COLBERT

Let it alone. Let it pass by. [Lat., Laissez faire, laissez passer.]
JEAN BAPTISTE COLBERT

The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers wi...
J. B. COLBERT

The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers ...
J. B. COLBERT

The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest possible amount of fe...
JEAN BAPTISTE COLBERT

The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to get the most feathers with the least his...
JEAN BAPTISTE COLBERT

It is simply, and solely, the abundance of money within a state [which] makes the difference in its ...
JEAN BAPTISTE COLBERT

The fact is, people who can't kill, will always be subject to those who can.
SGT. BRAD 'ICEMAN' COLBERT

The sorrows and disasters of Europe always brought fortune to America.
STEPHEN B. STEPHEN LEACOCK

Every human has four endowments - self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imaginat...
STEPHEN COVEY

Demons manifest themselves in people in different ways. For instance, out of nowhere, somebody can b...
STEPHEN BALDWIN

I was never top of the class at school, but my classmates must have seen potential in me, because my...
STEPHEN HAWKING

Instead, I have an abundance mentality: When people are genuinely happy at the successes of others, ...
STEPHEN COVEY

Sometimes earning awards doesn't matter as much as earning revenue or profit, or having a good r...
STEPHEN CHOW

I think there ought to be some serious discussion by smart people, really smart people, about whethe...
STEPHEN KING

Just as we develop our physical muscles through overcoming opposition - such as lifting weights - we...
STEPHEN COVEY

A mission statement is not something you write overnight... But fundamentally, your mission statemen...
STEPHEN COVEY

Listen with your eyes for feelings.
STEPHEN COVEY

We are in danger of destroying ourselves by our greed and stupidity. We cannot remain looking inward...
STEPHEN HAWKING

Fiction is the truth inside the lie.
STEPHEN KING

And as a writer, one of the things that I've always been interested in doing is actually invadin...
STEPHEN KING

Each life makes its own immitation of immortality.
STEPHEN KING

I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find th...
STEPHEN KING

You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long a...
STEPHEN KING

When asked, 'How do you write?' I invariably answer, 'one word at a time.'
STEPHEN KING

The place where you made your stand never mattered. Only that you were there... and still on your fe...
STEPHEN KING

Let's face it. No kid in high school feels as though they fit in.
STEPHEN KING

We make up horrors to help us cope with the real ones.
STEPHEN KING

People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small ...
STEPHEN KING

Synergy is better than my way or your way. It's our way.
STEPHEN COVEY

Stop setting goals. Goals are pure fantasy unless you have a specific plan to achieve them.
STEPHEN COVEY

Your most important work is always ahead of you, never behind you.
STEPHEN COVEY

Listen with the intent to understand, not the intent to reply.
STEPHEN COVEY

Our population and our use of the finite resources of planet Earth are growing exponentially, along ...
STEPHEN HAWKING

Find your voice and inspire others to find theirs.
STEPHEN COVEY

The director of 'Independence Day,' 'Godzilla' and 'The Patriot' has certain...
STEPHEN HUNTER

Alliances and partnerships produce stability when they reflect realities and interests.
STEPHEN KINZER

I have a doctorate in fine arts from Knox College in Illinois. All I did was give a speech, and now everybody has to call me Dr. Colbert.

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Stephen Colbert

I have a doctorate in fine arts from Knox College in Illinois. All I did was give a speech, and now everybody has to call me Dr. Colbert.

Stephen Colbert

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