I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap.

People thought this would be an award show -- but we couldn't get anybody to open up the envelopes. I've been backstage at a lot of rock concerts, and I've never seen musicians run away from white powder before!

I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any

Yes, it's a well-known fact about you: you're like death, you take everything.