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I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'


Larry David

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MARGARET PETERSON HADDIX I'm still a big 'Grey's Anatomy' fan.
BROOKE ELLIOTT Are you taking us to the beach?" - Dan Cahill
JUDE WATSON Let's head out to the ruins." - Dan Cahill
ROLAND SMITH About f-f-ace!" she said to the horse, flailing with her boots. "Into the barn, please. It's time fo...
PETER LERANGIS You see?" Damien leaned over his desk and spread out half a dozen charcoal sketches. "These are only...
RICK RIORDAN It looks ancient," - Amy Cahill
JUDE WATSON It SMELLS ancient," - Dan Cahill
JUDE WATSON Palm trees were fanned by a warm, light breeze, and they rolled down their windows to smell the sea.
JUDE WATSON I've never hosted a party in my life, not even my own birthday party. I'd feel really uncomf...
ALESSIA CARA I used to watch 'Grey's Anatomy' pretty religiously.
ERINN HAYES I've got a few ideas," (Amy) admitted. "But I don't know where we're going in the long term. I mean ...
RICK RIORDAN Alas, I think I am becoming a god.
TITUS Some men by ancestry are only the shadow of a mighty name.
LUCAN I have a wife, I have sons: all of them hostages given to fate.
LUCAN Don't have to see," the pilot grunted. "Olga knows the way."
"Funny name for an aircraft...
GORDON KORMAN Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
SENECA Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.
SENECA We never reflect how pleasant it is to ask for nothing.
SENECA Just as I shall select my ship when I am about to go on a voyage, or my house when I propose to take...
SENECA Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life.
SENECA Luck is where opportunity meets preparation.
SENECA Friendship always benefits; love sometimes injures.
SENECA I always find Victoria's Secret models a bit weird.
EDIE CAMPBELL I always have a football handy at home, and I'll play with it. Sometimes it'll get on my wif...
THIERRY HENRY I'm part Bridget Jones, part Larry David. I'm shy; I'm prude.
JILLIAN MICHAELS Yeah, I've done Jim Breuer's radio show a couple times, and I heard from Larry the Cable Guy...
BILLY GARDELL More and more, there are things in my life that I find hard to say. Like, 'David Bowie and Lorde...
TILDA SWINTON I'm proud to say that I was that guy playing the character of Dr. Burke on 'Grey's Anato...
ISAIAH WASHINGTON At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it'...
TOM HANKS The only reason I'm ever in character as 'Larry The Cable Guy' is because that's wha...
LARRY THE CABLE GUY I've got the FA Cup tattooed on my leg and the Leeds United emblem, too. On my back, I've go...
VINNIE JONES I'm not at every party; I'm not seen everywhere. That's why people still care about my b...
FOXY BROWN I don't need no stool and mike stand. I don't need all of that to be funny. I've been fu...
TRACY MORGAN I haven't got a car or a house. I've got a wife, but I didn't pay for her! I spend all m...
MACKENZIE CROOK I've got a sense of humor. I'm a funny guy.
DARYL HALL Funny story: I was hanging out with Adam Shankman for Samantha Ronson's birthday, and Lance Bass...
RYAN GUZMAN Before 'Grey's Anatomy,' I was doing musicals, plays, commercials, you name it.
CHANDRA WILSON I'm just like you - I want to be a good human being. I'm doing my best, and I'm working ...
MAYA ANGELOU They got rid of bottled water. We got thermoses that say 'Grey's Anatomy Season 4' with ...
BROOKE SMITH I'm still hungry. I've still got a million ideas. I'm still strong and ready to create.
BARRY MANILOW I never stopped thinking about the Alamo from that day to this. I'm a huge collector of memorabi...
PHIL COLLINS I went swimming the other day and my wife was watching and she said, 'You know, it's funny, ...
EDDIE MARSAN I've got my life. I'm very serious about my business. I've got my family. And I've g...
ERNIE ELS I'm somebody's ex-wife, and I did things that drove him nuts. And now I'm somebody's...
NICOLE HOLOFCENER Half of my life, I've had people staring at me because they think I'm funny-looking and ugly...
FKA TWIGS I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight year...
WILL ROGERS I'm tired of playing people who are complete washouts and bums. I don't mind waiting for the...
HARRY DEAN STANTON I'm still working, I've got two arms, two legs, two gorgeous kids, a lovely wife. Fifteen ye...
IAN HART I'm ashamed and embarrassed to say that I've read very little of David Foster Wallace's ...
BEN FOUNTAIN My first choice was to work it out with Larry Brown. I needed Larry and I gave him 50 million bucks....
ISAIAH THOMAS I'm happy in the UK. I absolutely love it and I've finally got a great group of friends. I&#...
BILLIE PIPER It's easy for me to say that now, now I'm a father, I've got a four-and-a-half year old ...
ALAN VEGA There's video footage of my 10th birthday where I'm wearing, like, a little pink T-shirt. Th...
JANE GOLDMAN I binge when I'm happy. When everything is going really well, every day is like I'm at a bir...
KIRSTIE ALLEY I've been called funny. I assume my wife thinks I'm funny. But generally, if you bumped into...
ROBERT WEBB I remember when I was working at Sprint, I'd work on my birthday, New Year's Day, and even C...
PRINCE ROYCE I'm always thinking, 'My goodness, I got booked again!' So I am really happy to still be...
KATE MOSS We try to make the name longer and longer every year. First, it was 'Larry the Cable Guy's C...
LARRY THE CABLE GUY Just scratching the surface. It's just the beginning. I'm still young. I've got a lot of...
STEFON DIGGS I'm lucky my wife is a strong woman. She's one of the stronger people I've ever met. It&...
DARIUS RUCKER After my episode of 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' ran, Larry David and JJ Abrams were like, 'I ...
KYM WHITLEY I'm still batting away on my politics for the Labour Party. I'm much further to the left of ...
BILLY BRAGG I'm over the moon to be involved in the 'Doctor Who' Christmas special. I can't quit...
KATHERINE JENKINS We're just into toys, whether it's motorcycles or race cars or computers. I've got the P...
CATHERINE BELL I don't know. I think it's funny! I think it's funny! I go, what? It's so absurd. I&...
DANNY DEVITO I've always had that attitude about my career: it's something that I do, but it's not my...
BUFFY SAINTE-MARIE I am not the Conservative Party's health care spokesman. I'm fond of Andrew Lansley, and I s...
DANIEL HANNAN I don't feel 50. I'm still ambitious, and I've only just got my licence to race sports c...
PAUL HOLLYWOOD I'd love to go and I'd love to play for my country and go to a World Cup again. I've got...
MICHAEL OWEN I don't really remember, but I'm positive that whenever I cried, my mother gave me something...
JEAN NIDETCH I've got an overactive brain. I enjoy work, I enjoy life, and I'm not good at relaxing. I...
RICK WAKEMAN I'm really not thick-skinned - my wife will tell you that I take sunsets personally - but I know...
JERRY LEWIS I have great tenants. They've all become my friends. They call me and say, 'Hey Kev, we'...
KEVIN DILLON Now that I'm more mature, in a funny way, I can even appreciate that I've bad to become more...
DANA HILL I learn from Larry Ellison every day. I've said this before: how is it to work with someone who ...
SAFRA A. CATZ I'm Brian a lot more than I'm Paul Walker, which is awesome. When I hear, 'Hey Paul Walk...
PAUL WALKER I've always loved 'Umbrella.' Funny enough, my ex-husband wrote that, and I'm not sa...
CHRISTINA MILIAN It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm stil...
BILL ENGVALL As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're lau...
LARRY THE CABLE GUY On 'Grey's Anatomy,' I didn't have to move too much. I think I ran through the hospi...
ERIC DANE I think talking about one's love life is always... It's a Pandora's box, best kept in jo...
EMMA CAULFIELD I created my own party. It's called the Sloth and Indolence Party, and I'm running as an ana...
UTAH PHILLIPS I've stepped more into my womanhood, I'm a mother now, I'm having a beautiful relationsh...
ALICIA KEYS I think I've always had a 40-year-old body, and now that I'm actually there I'm like, &#...
FELICITY HUFFMAN I do this thing at every party: I go to a party, I stand around for, like, 45 minutes, and then I tu...
IKE BARINHOLTZ In 'The Sound of Music,' I was a von Trapp daughter in a white dress with a blue satin sash,...
HUGH GRANT I've refined my mechanics, refined my pitches. I've gotten more confidence, and I've got...
RANDY JOHNSON Since I've got on the Internet, it's opened a whole world of wasted time for me. My wife say...
MICK RALPHS I've never really been very good at marriage. It's one of my failures. I've tried my bes...
LEN GOODMAN La vida es un regalo diario. Valóralo. Al final, lo que importa no son los años de vida, sino la v...
PAOLA CALASANZ ''DULCINEA'' I'm quite sarcastic, and I'm funny, but not kind of funny. It's a weird funny, and some ...
MILLIE BOBBY BROWN It's funny in the U.K., where I'm not really known because I never did a soap. My English co...
JACKI WEAVER I no longer care about the financial system. I gave them my roadmap. OK? Thanks, bye. I've no id...
NASSIM NICHOLAS TALEB It's so funny, actors usually have a directing ambition. I've got no ambition for directing.
MAJANDRA DELFINO I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlf...
DANIEL TOSH I like to go to anybody else's birthday, and if I'm invited I'm a good guest. But I neve...
MIKHAIL BARYSHNIKOV I'm still a shy person. I've learned to put that aside on certain occasions. I have to. It&#...
ALEXIS BLEDEL I wanted Cathy and Irving to actually say 'I do' and be pronounced husband and wife on Feb. ...
CATHY GUISEWITE I've got a couple of bands that I'm working on. The one I'm really excited about, we'...
SAMUEL LARSEN

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LARRY DAVID She didn't even tell me! ... She told my assistant!
LARRY DAVID I aspire to be like that character. He's honest. It's the things I'm thinking but not saying.
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LARRY CHARLES I would consider myself more a passionate centrist.
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LARRY WILMORE I'll stop talking about race when people stop being racist.
LARRY WILMORE I really love having conversations and deconstructing things. I don't mind not having a laugh ev...
LARRY WILMORE My joke is that three black people watch 'The Daily Show' at any given time. So if I'm w...
LARRY WILMORE I think the biggest thing is voice. Whose voice is it? Who gets to control the narrative?
LARRY WILMORE People aren't autonomous creatures. They're under a lot of pressure themselves.
LARRY WILMORE There are tragedies that happen all the time in America, but there are certain types of tragedies th...
LARRY WILMORE If you look at somebody like Sam Bee, she got to create her own thing without any expectations that ...
LARRY WILMORE When you use the word 'fair' in television, you're already in a fantasy world. Nothing i...
LARRY WILMORE I'm not the type of person to have a schadenfreude.
LARRY WILMORE I always said I'm not disappointed with Obama because I voted for him because he was black, and ...
LARRY WILMORE When you're taking chances, you know it's not going to please everybody.
LARRY WILMORE The thing that's worked for me is having as much of a connection to the material as possible. An...
LARRY WILMORE The last thing I would ever do is try to become a network programmer.
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LARRY WILMORE Maybe I'll write an episode of 'Black-ish' about a guy being fired in late-night.
LARRY WILMORE I don't think I ever intend to provoke outrage, but I don't mind being provocative in conten...
LARRY WILMORE I was taught from a very early age that I had to work twice as hard to get half as much. That was th...
LARRY WILMORE You have to stay alert. You've got to keep raising your game.
LARRY WILMORE I was an athlete, so I hung out with the jocks. I was smart, so I hung out with the nerdy kids. I wa...
LARRY WILMORE I have a free voice. I have a free mind. I have freedom of expression.
LARRY WILMORE One out of three jobs in Washington is tied to trade.
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LARRY WILLIAMS The next time you see an outside day with a down close lower than the previous day, don't get sc...
LARRY WILLIAMS What you will be looking for is a day that closes above the prior day's high and most likely ...
LARRY WILLIAMS Rock and Roll has no beginning and no end for it is the very pulse of life itself.
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LARRY WILCOX The literary aspect of the film business excites me, but show business in general doesn't take a...
LARRY WILCOX Everyone in business is tenacious and extremely aggressive. If you're not a 'now' person...
LARRY WILCOX I love to act, but business is more interesting because it's more competitive and involves more ...
LARRY WILCOX I guess I'm just a frustrated cowboy.
LARRY WILCOX I owe the public a good performance, the best I can give. We really bust our chops on 'CHiPs'...
LARRY WILCOX I learned a lesson that I don't ever want to be a CEO.
LARRY WILCOX I've always felt that children are the flowers of our future.
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LARRY WILCOX I don't mind talking about 'what might have been,' but I am not one to doubt or regret m...
LARRY WILCOX The film business was a great lesson in business combat and what it takes to survive.
LARRY WILCOX I just didn't realize how powerful 'CHiPs' was.
LARRY WILCOX A lot of people in film run around with a facade and use the right vocabulary and think they're ...
LARRY WILCOX It's like with a girl: it's more fun to meet and slowly, gradually learn things about each o...
LARRY WILCOX Exposing your ignorance is how you get somebody to embrace you.
LARRY WILCOX Life can be a bore if you're constantly walking sidewalks instead of a tightrope once in a while...
LARRY WILCOX Dentistry was an ego trip, and acting is a personal need. Usually it's the reverse, and I honest...
LARRY WILCOX Family is very important to me because that is the footprint we perpetuate. That is, the ripple in t...
LARRY WILCOX I have learned a great deal in my life, and DeMolay helped me to learn that character and integrity ...
LARRY WILCOX I'm very candid.
LARRY WILCOX Somebody out there is going to do something that's far more surprising than anything that I woul...
LARRY WALL Some of modern engineering is necessary to good art. But I think of myself is a cultural artist.
LARRY WALL Perl was designed to work more like a natural language. It's a little more complicated but there...
LARRY WALL If you're a large corporation, you can afford to pay the money to register patents, but if you&#...
LARRY WALL I'm never satisfied because I've been always interested in too many things and I always want...
LARRY WALL I'm just paid to do whatever I want to do. Some of the time it's development, and some of th...
LARRY WALL I think the way IBM has embraced the open source philosophy has been quite astonishing, but gratifyi...
LARRY WALL To be a good artist, you have to serve the work of art and allow it to be what it is supposed to be.
LARRY WALL Many days I don't write any code at all, and some days I spend all day writing code.
LARRY WALL Hubris itself will not let you be an artist.
LARRY WALL I think operating systems work best if they're free and open. Particular applications are more l...
LARRY WALL I still drive my 1977 Honda Accord. The paint is almost all worn off. It's still running.
LARRY WALL There is no schedule. We are all volunteers, so we get it done when we get it done. Perl 5 still wor...
LARRY WALL I talked about becoming stupid, but I've always been stupid. Fortunately I've been just smar...
LARRY WALL We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on when it's necessary to c...
LARRY WALL Post-Modernism was a reaction against Modernism. It came quite early to music and literature, and a ...
LARRY WALL Programmers can be lazy.
LARRY WALL For me, writing is a love-hate relationship.
LARRY WALL Real programmers can write assembly code in any language.
LARRY WALL The Harvard Law states: Under controlled conditions of light, temperature, humidity, and nutrition, ...
LARRY WALL Younger hackers are hard to classify. They're probably just as diverse as the old hackers are. W...
LARRY WALL Being a press secretary is like learning to type: You're hunting and pecking for a while and the...
LARRY SPEAKES You don't tell us how to stage the news and we don't tell you how to cover it.
LARRY SPEAKES Those who talk don't know what is going on and those who know what is going on won't talk.
LARRY SPEAKES We live in a world where people think that finding a passion is so rare that if you find one you'...
LARRY SMITH Just because you're passionately interested in something doesn't mean it has to be your care...
LARRY SMITH If you've never tasted what it's like to get up in the morning and be pleased to go to work,...
LARRY SMITH Find and use your passion, and you'll have a great career. Don't do it, you won't. It...
LARRY SMITH I guess I've always liked the idea of being an artist.
LARRY RIVERS I spent seven months in Africa and came back saying there isn't anything you can say about black...
LARRY RIVERS Any art communicates what you're in the mood to receive.
LARRY RIVERS I believe that any art communicates what you're in the mood to receive.
LARRY RIVERS If you want to be told what to think, well, I'm not in that business.
LARRY POONS A great painting is a great painting.
LARRY POONS If you think you know where you're going to be 10 years from now, that's where you're at...
LARRY POONS The only thing simple about the past is that it's not now.
LARRY POONS There are people who don't respond to color. That's what painting is. It's color.
LARRY POONS There's something always instinctively visually right about nature. There's no difference, t...
LARRY POONS I like going to Burning Man, for example. An environment where people can try new things. I think as...
LARRY PAGE We don't have as many managers as we should, but we would rather have too few than too many.
LARRY PAGE We can't have democracy if we're having to protect you and our users from the government ove...
LARRY PAGE I can't really comment on rumors.
LARRY PAGE We have a mantra: don't be evil, which is to do the best things we know how for our users, for o...
LARRY PAGE We want to build technology that everybody loves using, and that affects everyone. We want to create...
LARRY PAGE The idea that everyone should slavishly work so they do something inefficiently so they keep their j...
LARRY PAGE You know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night with a vivid dream? And you know t...
LARRY PAGE The ultimate search engine would basically understand everything in the world, and it would always g...
LARRY PAGE If we were motivated by money, we would have sold the company a long time ago and ended up on a beac...
LARRY PAGE For me, privacy and security are really important. We think about it in terms of both: You can't...
LARRY PAGE We're at maybe 1% of what is possible. Despite the faster change, we're still moving slow re...
LARRY PAGE Many leaders of big organizations, I think, don't believe that change is possible. But if you lo...
LARRY PAGE You may think using Google's great, but I still think it's terrible.
LARRY PAGE Invention is not enough. Tesla invented the electric power we use, but he struggled to get it out to...
LARRY PAGE Lots of companies don't succeed over time. What do they fundamentally do wrong? They usually mis...
LARRY PAGE Only in a concert situation do I have access to people directly to preach to them, and I don't b...
LARRY NORMAN I want to encourage other people to try to discover who they are, not to try to fit into some superf...
LARRY NORMAN Art is more engaging that propaganda.
LARRY NORMAN I know I stand visibly onstage, but my function is still unseen, because I rarely see the immediate ...
LARRY NORMAN Jesus got me through the slums without getting murdered. I just walked with him as though he were re...
LARRY NORMAN Gospel songs to me are about the mansion in the sky, and washed in the blood of Christ's crimson...
LARRY NORMAN Life is God's art.
LARRY NORMAN I feel that Christian music is a subculture directed towards the Christians. It's not really bei...
LARRY NORMAN I'm only here on Earth to serve God. I never had a career. I don't care about commercialism....
LARRY NORMAN We need worship for our spirit, fellowship for our soul and committed subservience for our body.
LARRY NORMAN But... watching Steven Barnes taught me to treat my life like an art form.
LARRY NIVEN I do not believe they've run out of surprises.
LARRY NIVEN SF isn't a genre; SF is the matrix in which genres are embedded, and because the SF field is nev...
LARRY NIVEN My problem with new writers is that it takes me five or six years to memorise the right names.
LARRY NIVEN I've got five or six unpublished stories kicking around looking for somebody to buy them.
LARRY NIVEN In general, I don't know when inspiration will pop up.
LARRY NIVEN We should not have assumed that a political space station could be built.
LARRY NIVEN I'm not predicting; I just love playing with superconductors.
LARRY NIVEN I love superconductors.
LARRY NIVEN Treat your life like something to be sculpted.
LARRY NIVEN I've spent a lot of my life among people brighter than myself.
LARRY NIVEN I'd visit the near future, close enough that someone might want to talk to Larry Niven and can f...
LARRY NIVEN I don't have a strong interest in history.
LARRY NIVEN Anything beats an expensive stack of paper.
LARRY NIVEN We're looking as far ahead as we can, and we don't get penalized for mistakes.
LARRY NIVEN